Since my previous post was written last night when I was sleepy, I just wanted to add a few more things about my submission fantasy.
1) I do not want to be a full-time submissive. This submission dynamic is one that I want to have very specific and clearly articulated parameters (such as “this will start when we wake up on Wednesday morning and will end when we fall asleep on Wednesday night”). It’s a dynamic that I’m very, very interested in and drawn to exploring, but not one that I crave or need in my relationship all the time.
2) The main reason why I think I’m compelled to this kind of dynamic is (and I’ve touched on this before in previous posts) that in most of my daily life, I’m kind of a control freak. I keep track of most everything related to our home (when to clean, whose turn it is to do what, whose toothbrush is whose (seriously!), writing the rent check, etc.). This is not because ML can’t do it, though keeping track of things is certainly not her strong suit, but because I do it naturally. My brain is always on, scampering around, picking up loose ends and tucking them away, managing lots of little things (and big things) and snapping mental photos of things left and right. It’s what I do. But I’m increasingly craving an anti-dote to that, a space when my brain can relax and let someone else do the thinking for me and above all trust that I’ll be okay by letting go. To me, the pull to that allowing that kind of dynamic into my relationship feels erotic as well as therapeutic.
3) ML was totally receptive to giving my submission fantasy a shot, although she did express a few doubts, mostly about her ability to know whether she’s doing the right thing or not. What I somehow want to enter into the dynamic, and maybe it has to happen organically (as opposed to just me trying to explain it to her), is for her to not be thinking in those terms of “will she like this? is this the right thing?” and rather be assured and confident and all-enveloping. Attentive to me, yes, and checking in with me, absolutely. But I don’t want to be in a state of mind of having to think about “is this what I want? is she doing it right?” and would rather be in an absolutely trusting and relaxing mental space. Submission.
Any ideas on how to work on that together? Exercises to slowly bring that in? Scenarios to role-play to begin to feel comfortable? Porn to watch that we could mimic?