ask, and you shall receive
|
I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit lately. What makes me femme specifically, as opposed to just feminine, more generally. I guess another way of posing this question would be: what makes Queer Femme different from Straight? This has been inspired, partly, by some discussion on other blogs (see, for example, Sinclair’s four-part series on masculinity, Dear Diaspora’s post on “butches are not men,” and Packing Vocals on being a gentleman) regarding female butch masculinity and the transmasculinity “spectrum” (I use the word spectrum largely because I’m not sure what other word to use, though I’m not really comfortable with calling anything queer or gender-related a spectrum), and, among other things, what sets it apart from cismale masculinity. These kinds of discussions naturally led me to pondering what sets queer femininity apart from straight cis femininity.
This has also been inspired, though, by my own gradual “coming out” as femme, a process which has been unfolding for the past year and a half or so; with burgeoning self-awareness comes the revealing of a whole realm of possibility regarding what femme can mean, and I’m still (maybe always will be) trying to figuratively pick through and identify what works for me and what doesn’t.
So, for example. Jewelry is not really my thing. It’s not that I dislike it, but rather more that I don’t have strong feelings for it. I don’t get excited by sparkles and shiny things, really, and while I can certainly appreciate a pretty pair of earrings (and do wear them from time to time), I’ve decided that accessorizing with gems’n'things is an aspect of femininity that I’m fine with setting aside (for now, anyway).
Shoes, on the other hand, are a comPLETEly different story. I. LOVE. SHOES. It is an unfortunate love affair, because shoes are not cheap, even if one does one’s best to only buy them when they’re marked down. I’m sorry, but when I pass a gazillion shoe stores every week in my wanderings, how can I not get giddy? In fact, you should be congratulating me that I only own about three dozen pairs. I could easily own hundreds. And the kind of shoes I love are decidedly feminine. Heels, bows, colors, peep-toes, sex-on-stilettos. So there is a characteristic of femininity that I unabashedly own.
There are others, obviously, but there are also many more, I’m know, that I’m still working through. There are a few right off the top of my head that I can think of, and maybe these are even little femme-goals of mine for the near future. Some of them frivolous, others less so:
1) find *my color* of lipstick (you know what I mean, right?)
2) get a tattoo (I’ve got several ideas but need to settle on one and on where) (maybe this will be a separate post soon, because I have oh-so-much to say about tattoos and queer femininity)
3) learn better how to shop thrift stores, because about half my wardrobe is out-dated and I want more skirts, dammit! I now have like three that I wear on a rotating basis.
4) invent a signature cocktail! It will be called The Alphafemme, duh. And it will be fizzy and fruity. That much I can guarantee.
5) get into a regular exercise routine. I want to get back into yoga, which I really miss, and I’m also considering a hip hop dance class.
Those are just five, and there are more, but you see? All of those things, to me, in their different ways, mean femme. What I love is that femme means something totally different for everyone who identifies that way, and femininity can be performed, intentionally or unintentionally, in infinite ways. But I guess what I’m curious about, to bring this back around to my initial question, is: any girl could write the same list I just wrote, and out of the context of this blog, where HI I’M GAY, you wouldn’t know if she were queer. So, are there things that belong specifically to queer femininity? Or at least, do they mean something different as an aspect of queer femininity than they do as an aspect of non-queer femininity?
What is it about femmes that distinguishes our femininity from that of straight women? Whether you think it’s a je ne sais quoi or something very specific, I’d love to hear what you think.
So, the title of this post is misleading, I know. It makes it look like I’m going to NAME what I think are markers of queer femme. But instead, I’m copping out and asking you, because the truth is I don’t know.
I love the holidays, starting around Thanksgiving and ending after Christmas. I’m one of those people who re-reads A Christmas Carol every year, who listens to Handel’s Messiah on repeat, who plays all the traditional Christmas carols on my piano and sings along, and who bakes more batches of holidays cookies and cakes than everyone I know together can eat. I realized this year, in light of all the introspection surrounding my parents’ divorce, that much of what I’m doing when I throw myself into the so-called “spirit of Christmas” is trying to re-capture some sort of intangible magic. I’m always seeking, somehow, to find that thing that makes me catch my breath in wonder, that thing that makes everything seem warm and cozy and perfect and exciting. I want to believe in Santa Claus again. I don’t know that I’ll ever actually succeed in re-capturing that, because the normal daily non-magic always interferes — it’s exhausting, it requires constant vigilance not to slip back into mundanity. I haven’t been successful yet. (Maybe when I have my own children some day?)
But, this year, especially in the knowledge that Christmas will be hard with my family, I do have some goals. I want to try my absolute darndest to make it special. Maybe it’s grasping at straws, but if I actually encourage that childlike excitement by allowing myself to indulge in many of the childishly exciting things, then I’m hoping that this holiday season will be special, and wonderful, and delightful.
Here are my plans:
- Thursday morning, mi’lady and I leave for what our friends have been calling our “Lesbithanksgiving”! We’re renting a tiny little studio cabin on the Russian River a few hours north of here. It has a hot tub. And that’s all we care about. We’re staying two nights, leaving on Saturday, and our plans for the 48 hours we’ll be there include nothing but bathing in the hot tub, sleeping, giving each other massages (we even bought massage oil for the occasion), reading, watching Mad Men, talking, and oh yeah FUCKING. We got a new toy that will get its debut! And we’ve been talking about all the sexy things we want to do to each other for days. After that rejuvenating mini-vacation, away from the stressful obligations of family that are so often present at Thanksgiving (at least in my family), I’ll be golden for embarking on the month of December.
- In the first week of December, mi’lady and I are (hopefully, assuming a certain stressful situation which I won’t bother going into here because it’s boring doesn’t interfere) going to go see Ovo, a Cirque du Soleil show, here in San Francisco. Granted, this isn’t Christmas-themed, but any spectacular show like that is bound to feel festive.
- The following week, we’re going to see the Nutcracker ballet performed by the SF Ballet! I haven’t seen this performed live, ever. As a little girl my sister and I had a video tape of the American Ballet Theatre’s version starring Gelsey Kirkland as Clara (she was one of my favorite dancers, back in the day), and we watched it every year (multiple times!), but I’ve never actually seen it live. I’m really excited about this, and these tickets were quite reasonably priced!
- And THEN, that same week on Friday, mi’lady and I are going to host a holiday party! Last year, when we’d just started dating, she had one at her house, and that was when her best friend walked in on us hooking up. Fun times. This year, we’ll co-host! Maybe even at my house, since it’s cleaner and much homier than her place (my roommate and I are much better decoraters, what can I say), and I’m going to bake lots of cookies and make mulled wine and hot toddies and roasted vegetables and any other ideas for vegetarian holiday party fare? And she’s in charge of the playlist :)
- Sometime in December we’re going to amble up to Union Street for their annual Fantasy of Lights. Lots and lots of pretty lights, candy canes, and general merriment.
- We’re going to watch Christmas movies! We probably won’t have time to watch that many — I mean, how many movies can two busy people actually watch together in one month? — but even if we just get one or two! I really don’t like It’s a Wonderful Life, she really doesn’t like Love, Actually, so any other ideas on Christmas classics? Last year we watched Home Alone, haha. And my favorite, The Snowman:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aR1Ln-ctn5E]
Other ideas?
- Just in case this needs to be said again, although I’m sure it doesn’t, I’m going to bake lots of COOKIES!
- AND, I want to decorate. Last year, my roommate and I got a tree! We took it home with us on Muni, since we didn’t have cars. We definitely got some funny looks and smiles. This year, I’m with a new roommate, and our place is way too tiny for a tree. But I’m thinking maybe a wreath, or at the very least some candles and some holly and ivy.
- I’m going to make sure that I have an infinite supply of cookies (have I mentioned that already?), Christmas teas, mulled wine and cider, and Christmas music. Just so that whenever I, or anyone else who’s around, need a good dose of Christmas, I can get it.
Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.
First, how successful was I last week?
1) Stay hydrated. I’ve been getting awful dehydration headaches lately. So at work, this means that my goal is to re-fill my water glass every two hours. On a normal work day, this would mean four glasses of water. Definitely a good place to start.
I did okay at this. Definitely a good way to remind myself to drink water. My dehydration headaches were much less severe this week!
2) Complete a full GRE practice test.
Wahhh-wahhhhhhhh. Complete fail. I did spend all day yesterday doing GRE prep though. It’s happening. I promise.
3) Write a letter to my aunt, who really really appreciates gestures like that.
I did write her a letter. And she did really appreciate it. Yay for getting good family points.
4) Eat breakfast at home at least one day this week (weekend doesn’t count). After last Sunday, when I was throwing up all night, I’m starting to take much more seriously the idea that eating in the middle of a stressful situation is bad for digestion. I am absolutely convinced that the reason I got sick was that that weekend, every meal I ate was while I was working.
I ate at home on Thursday morning and it was a great idea! Toast and a fried egg. I was a bit late for work though. I’ll have to work on that.
This week, setting my goals is a bit trickier for two reasons. One, because one of my best friends from undergrad is visiting for FIVE DAYS (cue everyone CHEERING!!!!) from Wednesday through Monday. I’m so so stoked.
And reason two is still a secret. Well, okay, not a secret per se, but I will write about it at some point this week and it will all become clear. Posting goals about it right now will make absolutely no sense. So y’all will just have to wait.
(I know you’re all at the edge of your seats waiting to see what my goals for this week are. Ha!)
I know, I know. I missed last week. But one of my goals from two weeks ago was to post at least twice before my next goals post, and since I’d only posted once, I just decided to skip that week’s goals. PLUS, I had more interesting things to write about.
So, did I meet my goals from two weeks ago?
1) Cook a good meal for myself (others could be there too) at least once. Doesn’t matter which meal.
Check! When my friend A was here with her fiance, we cooked a delicious meal on Friday night. Tortellini with an apple, walnut and parmesan sauce. Stewed green beans. And baked apples for dessert! I LOVE cooking with apples.
2) Have sex before mi’lady leaves on Monday.
We had a few hours on Sunday evening, finally, which was really lovely. We went out to dinner first and had tapas — I’d been at work all day and she’d been working on music, so we needed to unwind and transition into relaxation mode. Then we went back to her place and had sex :) It wasn’t the best sex, though, to be honest — I was feeling queasy and tired (I worked 16 hours on Saturday and then 9 hours on Sunday), so I wasn’t in the best sex space. We went to bed shortly afterwards and I woke up two hours later and was ill. I think from stress. :( But at least that explained why I was queasy during sex. Regardless, though, this goal was met!
3) Post here at least twice between now and next week’s goals.
I kind of cheated here by not actually posting last week’s goals. So I have posted twice (actually 3-4 times I think) since my last goals post, but I had to skip a week of goals in order to do that! Oh well, last week was so crazy busy anyway (work is KILLING me) that it was just as well I didn’t have any goals to focus on.
4) Be aware of my brow being furrowed and consciously take the few seconds whenever I notice it to relax my face — my brow, my jaw, my tongue, my eyes.
I did really well at this! And now I’m in the habit of checking in with my face and seeing whether it’s tense. Turns out it often is, but even just the act of consciously relaxing my brow, loosening my jaw, and lowering my eyes is sort of like a mini-meditation. Multiple times a day. It’s great. This will be an ongoing thing for me, definitely.
So, this week’s goals:
1) Stay hydrated. I’ve been getting awful dehydration headaches lately. So at work, this means that my goal is to re-fill my water glass every two hours. On a normal work day, this would mean four glasses of water. Definitely a good place to start.
2) Complete a full GRE practice test.
3) Write a letter to my aunt, who really really appreciates gestures like that.
4) Eat breakfast at home at least one day this week (weekend doesn’t count). After last Sunday, when I was throwing up all night, I’m starting to take much more seriously the idea that eating in the middle of a stressful situation is bad for digestion. I am absolutely convinced that the reason I got sick was that that weekend, every meal I ate was while I was working.
And that’s enough!
While I’m at it, I might as well procrastinate a bit more and do a This Week’s Goals.
Here are last week’s:
- watch my Netflix movie that’s been sitting around since the beginning of September (Million Dollar Baby, I’ve been meaning to watch it forever because I’m kind of obsessed with Hilary Swank… especially if she’s all tough. ::swoon::)
I did this! I did this! Yay! Thursday evening I had a “Me-vening” as mi’lady dubs them. I left work early(ish), put on my jammies, and popped in the movie. I haven’t watched a full movie in… I don’t know how long.
- finish reading the biography of Buddha that one of the attorneys I work for lent me
Didn’t really finish it, but read about as much as I was interested in. I was much more interested in how Buddhism originated, what brought the Buddha to the place of beginning his preaching, than I was in the actual preaching(s) itself.
- go to yoga again
:( Nope. Work got in the way. Sigh. And the weekends don’t have as many classes, for whatever reason. BUT! I did play tennis on Sunday with one of my friends! So I did get some quality movement!
- ride my bike to work one day!
Also didn’t happen. It will happen soon. But again, my work schedule didn’t even permit me the chance to buy a bike light, and since it’s often dark when I leave work, it’s absolutely imperative that I have a light and some reflectors. So until I get a day where I can leave at 5 or 5:30, this won’t be able to happen. :(
- finish preparing my grad school applications master to do list
Um, grad school? What’s grad school?
So, not so much success this week. But I think the most important things were the quality time (movie) and the movement (tennis), so all in all, I did do good things for myself last week.
This week’s list comes TWO days late. Ugh. But I need to be less ambitious this week since (a) it’s already well underway, and (b) I’m busy at work so need to be realistic about what I can manage outside of work.
1) Cook a good meal for myself (others could be there too) at least once. Doesn’t matter which meal.
2) Have sex before mi’lady leaves on Monday. (Okay this shouldn’t really be a goal, because it will obviously happen, but if I make it a goal hopefully it will be really good intentionally making time for it sex. As opposed to the spur-of-the-moment-it’s-kind-of-late-but-let’s-do-it-anyway sex, which is also great, but is overwhelmingly the kind of sex we’ve been having in the past few weeks. And which to me feels more rushed.
3) Post here at least twice between now and next week’s goals.
4) Be aware of my brow being furrowed and consciously take the few seconds whenever I notice it to relax my face — my brow, my jaw, my tongue, my eyes.
And for this week, I think four goals is enough. Let’s do this!
(Okay, shh, I know October 5 was yesterday.)
Let’s first briefly go over last week’s goals:
- bake something desserty (ideas: red velvet cake, snickerdoodles, chocolate chip cookies) and split three ways to send in a care package to my brother, my sister, and my dad
I sort of did this. I actually baked twice — on Thursday and then again yesterday on my mental health day — but I haven’t sent anything to my family yet. I’m not sure frosted cupcakes are the easiest thing to send in the mail, but I’m going to see about getting some tupperware containers and packing ‘em tight.
- do my laundry (easier said than done)
Yes! I finally did this yesterday! I don’t know if yesterday really still counts as part of last week. I think it doesn’t. But the point is I GOT IT DONE.
- vacuum the apartment
No ifs, ands, or buts, I actually accomplished this one! Within the proper timeframe! Except that the vacuum cleaner broke halfway through. So I swept the rest of the carpet. With a broom. Yep. It worked though!
- go to a yoga class
I meant to do this on Friday, but couldn’t leave work in time. So, I went yesterday, on my mental health day. I really need to do this more often.
- drink a cup of tea every day, and drink it slowly while doing something relaxing (reading, taking a bath, watching a movie, chatting with my roommate or mi’lady…)
Fail. Utter fail. I didn’t even do this on Monday night, the first day. I was at work until midnight that night and then just went straight to mi’lady’s place and crashed. Tuesday I worked until 10 and then came home and made tea but fell asleep before I even drank any of it! I think I actually successfully made tea AND drank it WHILE doing something relaxing all of two nights. But hey! Two is better than zero.
Verdict? There was an awful lot of last-minute cramming (yesterday…). But it all happened. Success! I think I’ve learned that when setting goals like drinking tea, I should start with something like “make tea and drink it while doing something relaxing 3 nights this week.” A bit more realistic.
So. This week’s goals:
- watch my Netflix movie that’s been sitting around since the beginning of September (Million Dollar Baby, I’ve been meaning to watch it forever because I’m kind of obsessed with Hilary Swank… especially if she’s all tough. ::swoon::)
- finish reading the biography of Buddha that one of the attorneys I work for lent me
- go to yoga again
- ride my bike to work one day!
- finish preparing my grad school applications master to do list
And that about does it. This weekly goals thing might just become a regular feature here. Let’s just hope I don’t have to take a mental health day every Monday in order to accomplish everything.
Okay, I keep thinking of things that I need and/or want to do this week, to the extent that I have a lot of things floating around in my mind right now and I figured HEY! I KNOW! I’ll do a blog post of my personal goals this week! And that way I’ll feel accountable to the Internet for actually accomplishing them all.
I have a to do list too, but the problem with that is that the to do list has everything that needs to get done at some point. Some of the things on it are eventually-I’ll-get-around-to-this variety, some are this-has-to-get-done-this-morning variety, and most are just tasks. Things I need to do. The goals on the other hand, are things I need to get done, but also things I’d like to get done. One more rule: it has to be manageable. I can’t just put every single thing I’ve ever wanted to accomplish on my list of goals for this week.
Without further ado:
- bake something desserty (ideas: red velvet cake, snickerdoodles, chocolate chip cookies) and split three ways to send in a care package to my brother, my sister, and my dad
- do my laundry (easier said than done)
- vacuum the apartment
- go to a yoga class
- drink a cup of tea every day, and drink it slowly while doing something relaxing (reading, taking a bath, watching a movie, chatting with my roommate or mi’lady…)
And I think that’s enough.
|
|
