A best friend. That’s what the purpose of this space is supposed to be. Best friends love unconditionally, but give you a good wake-up slap in the face when you need it. You can call a best friend in the middle of the night – either because you’re laughing hysterically, sobbing uncontrollably, or having a ranting jerkfest.* You tell a best friend anything or everything or whatever the hell you feel like. Maybe you don’t tell them anything for a while but that’s okay because they know you’re still there.
The other thing about a best friend is that it’s reciprocal. A best friend isn’t just there for me. I’m there for her. I want to be here for this blog. I’m not sure how exactly to articulate what that means, but I guess it’s like this: my relationship with this blog needs nurturing. I need to be true and honest with it, even when it’s giving me a hard time. I need to present my whole self, not just my queer/femme/sexual self. I need to give back to it, as much as it’s given to me. I guess giving back to the blog means giving back to you guys, everyone who reads and cares about me. I am so grateful to all of you — I read every single comment, even if I don’t respond to it invidually. I check out every single one of you who follows me on Twitter, and am in awe that I have a new follower. I don’t even remotely take you for granted. I wish there were more I could do to say thank you to all of you! Maybe there is … I’ll think on it ;)
Having my blog know my name helps a lot, in a weird way. I can say, “hi blog!” and it can say back “hi Eva!” and it’s magic! I’m no longer a faceless pseudonym. Well, ok, I’m still faceless. Not sure if/when that’s going to change. But y’all can hope!
Anyway, now I just need a purpose for my life and I’ll be all set. I wonder if I can be a professional best friend?
In other news, I just exfoliated and did a facial mask, and my skin now feels like butter. Win!
*I’m really going to try not to have embarrassing midnight-phone-call-type blog posts here. You know what kind of embarrassing phone calls I’m talking about. The ones that you cringe at the next day, when you call your best friend back and say awkwardly, “erm, ooooooops, sorry ’bout that…” I’d really rather not have cringe-worthy posts glaring at me from my computer screen begging for deletion, wondering who on the worldwideweb has already witnessed that embarrassing display… Yeah, let’s keep this a mature best friendship, mmkay?
haha…yeah, those cringe worthy posts are just begging to be deleted, aren’t they? I’ve got a few of those…ugh.
I’m really glad you’re here, thank you for sharing. And honestly, I don’t have any expectations for anyone else’s blogs. They are what they are and I’m always glad to read a new post. I learn a lot here and apply whatever suits me to my own life. Anyway, I think that whatever you have to give is enough and that’s really how a friendship is too, you know. Sometimes you give more, sometimes you take more and in the end, after years and years, it all balances out just the way it should.
LOL I like you! No WTF was that last night blogs….those leave a weird taste behind lol….
If you do find that purpose for your whole life, let me know how you did it; I need one of those things, too.
You know, its okay to not know what you want. It can be unsettling, but it can also be freeing to just let go of whatever you have attached to not knowing. There is freedom in surrender. Just something to chew on..
there is this quote from rilke that i like:
“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now
be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of…experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.”
I’ve never written a comment before but I’ve been reading your blog for many months. Although I’m several years into my 20s, I just came out as femme, the first time I was hit on by an amazing butch girl. Your story really struck a chord with me during that time and helped me understand who I am.
Until recently, I was living in LA so I’m also a Californian! Best of luck with school! And thanks for writing. I can’t speak for everyone but I’m here for you, just like you’re here for me.
Love this post! I found you from Ashley’s blog.
I so have some of those cringe “what was I thinking?” posts… mostly after my partner’s ex found the blog and decided to troll it. DOH!! :-0