And the summer is plodding by.
I’ve been in a bit of a weird mood the past two weeks. Hence the prolonged quiet here. I’ve been having trouble pin-pointing its origin, but whatever it is is making me feel dull, listless, uninspired, disconnected. And the mere fact that I’m in this funk is making me cranky on top of it all, because I’m on summer vacation, dammit. I have time and energy out the wazoo, so what’s wrong with me? Ye olde depression is raring its ugly head.
I’m lacking process. I started seeing a career coach because I’ve been having cold feet about graduate school and feeling in general like following my gut doesn’t do it for me. I need more of sense of order in my life about things. And I’m worried that grad school will turn out just like undergrad — I’ll love it, and I’ll be super happy while there, but then once I’m spit out, degree in tow, I’ll just land haphazardly. I need more of a sense of purpose.
That’s it. Purpose. I lack purpose. And so I’m sort of drifting aimlessly this summer. Don’t get me wrong, it’s really nice. I read a lot, I go on lots of walks/hikes around the city with a friend who has afternoons off, I cook (a LOT) and bake (a LOT) and organize my home… I planted an herb garden and harvested the first basil last week. I found an artisan no-knead bread recipe that’s easy as pie (which, come to think, isn’t that easy… so maybe it’s easy as … brownies-from-a-mix?). I’ve been working at the rape crisis center several days a week, and I love the people there. On the surface, everything seems like it’s perfect. Idyllic.
But yeah, purpose. I’m missing inspiration, drive. A reason to get up in the morning. Something that makes me really excited, something beyond the insular projects I do that don’t have a particular direction (like cooking, volunteering, going on walks). I need goals. Something to work towards.
And I guess because of that lack, I’ve been having a hard time writing. I’ve lost my sense of purpose about this blog, too. What am I doing here? Writing a personal journal? Stream of consciousness, whatever comes to mind? Am I writing a coherent series of personal essays about queer and sexual identity? Am I writing an ode to my relationship? What? I’m confused, and I’m worried I’ve gotten off track, started writing to fulfill expectations (but whose?) rather than writing to capture an essence of something real. This isn’t an issue so much of what I have written, but rather of what I haven’t written. Everything I write here is genuine, it’s me. But I haven’t been writing as much lately, largely because I get stymied, paralyzed by self-consciousness. It’s only when I successfully box the self-consciousness that I manage to write a post.
But here’s the thing. I love this place. I love it too much to leave it, and so instead I’m going to try to re-establish a sense of purpose for myself here. A purpose will give me a sense of direction, a reason to write. So while I’m not sure at the moment what the purpose is, I had an idea of where to start. I’m going to start by putting something real here, something to help me re-connect.
So:
My name is Eva. Hi, y’all.
It’s interesting how liberating it can be to share some detail like that, even if it’s a small one.
Hi, Eva :)
Yeah, so liberating! It’s like I OWN this space now.
And, hi back atcha :)
Hi y’all right back, and welcome home!
Lack of purpose has the same effect on me. I wind up feeling completely mentally constipated, which makes me feel incapable of doing anything, which further mires me in the muck.
I’ve learned to just be patient with it and keep poking at it, but it’s tough.
“Mentally constipated” made me laugh out loud, but yes, that’s exactly what it is! And it’s a vicious cycle — you feel stuck, so you don’t do anything, so you feel *more* stuck, so you continue not doing anything, etc. … You really hit the nail on the head. And yeah, patience and poking… patience and poking…
Eva. I like it a lot. ;-)
I’m Becky, and I’m thrilled to “meet” you.
This outpouring in the comments? This is one of the reasons I keep blogging, even through the blockages.
I’m glad the expression made you laugh. Laughter also helps with the stuck moments!
I’m also going to have to try the bread recipe after we get moved and settled. Homemade bread is my favorite!
Wall-E reference! (and Metal Gear Solid reference)
Nice post. At least you’re not going through a full-blown quarter-life crisis. :p
I *knew* someone would make a Wall-E reference!!! All my friends from college now call me “Eeeeeeeeva” and I have to say, there are way worse fictional/movie characters to be associated with!
Lol, I was being silly… I just wanted to reply to your post! There was something… for lack of a better word, powerful about reading your name. It’s like you broke through an invisible wall. Reconnecting, in your words.
Anyway, instead of leaving another silly comment, I’ll borrow Baz Luhrmann’s song lyrics from Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen:
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
(My favourite: Do one thing everyday that scares you.)
FYI I have a relative named Evagay (ethnic name; she’s not gay).
Cheers
I’ve missed you. Welcome back, Eva (lovely name btw)
xoxo
Thank you so much :)
Hello, Eva. That’s a beautiful name.
I often wonder where I’m going with my blog but then I realize that it’s just there when I need it and how I need it on any given day. It serves its purpose from showing off my shoes to really helping me when I’m lost and scared.
I’ll read whatever words you give me – I just want you to be here.
p.s. – I thought you were heading east to organize my closets? Now, whatever happened to that plan, hm? :)
Thanks, greg. Those are good words to hear. I do need to remember that it’s here when and however I need it…
And I SO WISH I were heading east to organize your closets! THAT would give me a sense of purpose, to be sure! First I’ll need you to cool it down about 20 degrees though… I don’t really care to melt ;)
Eva,
As someone who was spit out of undergrad in much the same fashion, I would like to let you know that grad school will (or at least should be, if it’s a good program) an entirely different experience. You should receive career counseling from a number of different sources as well as guidance in your choices post graduate school. You will be molded and shaped into an entirely different person at the end of your experience. You will find yourself entirely ready for the post grad school world. Have faith in your excellent choice to continue your education!
Thanks for the pep talk! I’m definitely going to continue with grad school (although I admit I had a moment last week of “I have a great idea! I’m going to cancel grad school plans and go to culinary school!”), and I’m glad to hear that grad school should be quite different. (Though I hope the classroom experience is every bit as good as my undergrad classroom experience was!) But I do so hope that I connect with a purpose there.
Eva – there’s the girl I know and love :) So glad to see you back again – although seriously, I feel like I’m going through some of the same things. But I do always feel like my blog is here for me – whatever I want to use it for. So I wouldn’t worry about that, just use it as you see fit. Glad to have you back!
Hi Eva….beautiful name and it’s so nice to be able to call you by it. Makes it a little more personal. Being your blog you get to write about anything you want, even if it’s something small or doesn’t have much meaning. My blog is all over the place sometimes. We write about our relationship, BDSM, Fashion, music, lesbian issues, Jess’s relationship with Scarlet, etc….anything we feel like. Don’t feel your blog has to have any type of direction. Just write what you feel like writing. We’ll all still read it in the end no matter what. Kara XOXOXO
hi eva!
you have such a great name. back when i was in grad school, wink, i remember taking a literature course that explored the “liminal” states of existence, those gray states we find ourselves in in life that are in between two places. being in that place of not knowing exactly where you are going and why you are there can be disorienting and confusing, yet full of revelations and wonder. my professor chose annie dillard’s “pilgrim at tinkercreek” to illustrate those seemingly directionless wanderings in the wilderness. i like to re-read that book every summer.
now, i’m rambling….
enjoy your days of summer.
xo,
mackenzie
Hi Eva :)
I’m glad you’re back, I missed you.
I’ve been feeling the same about blogging, but have decided (gasp) not to over analyse what I do or don’t do there. It’s my space after all. I don’t have to have a theme or a PLAN. I just really like chatting to all the people that it brings me into contact with :)
Hey, Eva, mind sharing that bread recipe?
@Jen
I’m glad to BE back! And it’s so comforting to know others experience the same things with their blogs too. I’m just gonna relax a bit and post whatever the hell I feel like posting.
@Kara
“We’ll all still read it in the end no matter what.” Thanks :)
@mackenzie
No way … Pilgrim at Tinker Creek is one of my all-time favorite books!!!! Annie Dillard is amazing. I credit her with the blossoming of my natural curiosity. I read An American Childhood when I was 12 or 13 and never saw the world the same way after that. And I have a dog-eared copy of Pilgrim at easy reach… there are passages that I can read again and again and again and STILL be uplifted by the revelations and aimlessness of it all …
@aneke
Yeah, not over-analyzing really is the key to most things, lol. And the connection with others is absolutely the best thing about being here.
@Genna
Check back later today! I’ll post it for ya :)
erm, the recipe will go up tomorrow. Today kind of slipped away from me!
I’ve hit the same problem you’re talking about, that lack of focus and reason to get up in the morning. Have you considered taking classes at the local park and rec? I always feel like I have a goal, even if it’s something like art or swimming. I get out, I see people, I form friendships, I improve at something — which for me, is a big deal! It also helps with the depression blahs.
And definitely what others have said — this blog is whatever you need or want it to be. I can say that. I have… uh, four. *laughs*
J
Do you think it is the heat???? Well, for my happy butt it is…it is 100+ degrees in the Inland Empire and I finished most of my undergrad, looking for a uni to transfer too (San Fran sounds great! LOL), but I feel like I am wondering around aimlessly…**SIGH**….not too much fun!
>_<
…but yes, lovely name Eva! Nice to make your acquaintance! My name is Esmeralda…and NO I do NOT know the Hunchback of Norte Dame! K? LOL
I hope you find a glimmer of what you need to re-invigorate your purpose! I sure as hell hope I find mine too! I think I might just need a mini-break from life…lol
Hey, alpha. :) That’s a beautiful name. Maybe it felt good to you to share it with us; it also made me feel a closer connection to you. Sending a lot of love your way.
~ Tina
EVA! what a LOVELY name. it’s one of my all-time faves, actually.
i think a lot of folks are feeling in a funk lately. count me in, unfortunately. i hope things work themselves out soon.
so glad to have you here :)
I just recently found your blog and have been reading it rather non-stop. I can completely relate with the lack of purpose and cold feet about grad school. I recently got laid off and was left with a weird, “WTF do I do now?” I think your writing is funny and poignant and down to earth…it’s nice to have around, and I love reading your thoughts about gender identity and femme-issues…more please! :)
I know I already told you this, but this subject has been rattling around in my head for a couple of weeks, and you really nailed the description of it.
I do try NOT to make a big deal in my head if I’m feeling a little rudderless for a while, because then I’ll obsess, and we all know how that tends to turn out for people.
In the meantime, baking! That’s hot. Welcome back, friend.
Eva, It’s great that you’re embracing the blog, I always LOVE reading! Post whatever you want – I’ll still read.
I started a blog recently, and it has actually become my purpose lately – at least for the summer while I wait for college to start…
hello, dear. i certainly understand this rudderless feeling. glad you’re working through =)
Eva, wow! I like this… :-)
Nice to ‘meet’ you Eva! Even though, you know, I feel like I already know you so well. Feel that feeling of drifting; it’s not bad, it’s just contrast to help you know what you DO want!
So glad you’re here, sharing in this space; thank you. Your words, whatever they are, are always welcome. :)
This reminds me of a part of Avenue Q, where he’s talking about trying to find a purpose.
I’ve noticed that when I was in HS, I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to do; a counselor for gifted children. Then I got to college, and I wanted to be a traditional youth sex educator…probably for planned parenthood. Then in grad school, I opened it up to “sex educator, and possibly owning a toy store and/or a porn company.” And now, 2+ year post grad, my goal is to do what I love, and get by. As financial issues come down on us more and more, I remind myself at least I’m doing something I love…even if I’m falling into debt. It’s so interesting to see how our purpose and goals change.
I can’t wait to see you in Sept and give you a big hug!
I felt kind of rudderless and in a funk this summer but then I just relaxed and enjoyed the time off. Glad you’re doing the same ^_^