When my parents separated last fall, I learned a few things. Having been together for 30 years, their marriage was finally crumbling, and my siblings and I were witness to it. My first lesson: people don’t change. You can’t get together with someone and think, “I could be with this person forever if [fill in the blank]. I could love this person if she resolved her anger issues. I could be happy with this person if she learned how to give me compliments once in a while. If.” Because my mom married my dad with some major “if” clauses, and guess what? He didn’t change.
You know what, though? I’m amending that lesson now, because I’ve finally figured out that people do change. People can change.
I changed.
I realized it yesterday evening. I had to go in to my old office yesterday, somewhat last minute, to do some highly confidential translation work that couldn’t be done on my home computer. I was able to leave around 5, stopped at a market for a few things on my way home, and started right in on cooking dinner when I got home around 5:45, expecting that ML would be home shortly thereafter (she typically gets home by 6). At 6:15 I get a text from her that she’d run into a friend of hers in the neighborhood of her office and was just finishing up a drink with her, and would be on her way home soon, and did I need her to pick anything up at the store?
My reaction: Oh that’s lovely that she ran into her friend! What a pleasant surprise. Let’s see, do I need anything? Nope… I already picked up what I needed. So I guess she’ll be home around 7 then… so I can pause dinner and take some time to find a B&B for our one-night city escape next weekend!
A lot of you might be sitting there thinking “ok……..” but trust me. Having that reaction without trying, without needing to convince myself of it, and without even being conscious really of what I was thinking — that’s huge for me.
You see, even just last year, my inner control freak would’ve been freaking out at that situation, and that reaction might’ve looked something like this: Wait, what? She’s having a drink with a friend? And she didn’t even tell me right away? So here I am sitting at home waiting for her and she hasn’t even left North Beach yet? Why didn’t she tell me 45 minutes ago? Is there something wrong? Is she pulling away from me?” etc. etc. etc. That’s probably a bit exaggerated, but it wouldn’t have been out of the realm of possibilities.
So what’s happened in a year? I’ve changed. Primarily, I’ve learned a lot about trust, and above all I really trust that she loves me, and that that isn’t changing. So I don’t need to have freak-out reactions, because I know intuitively that they’re baseless. And I’ve learned that by trial and error, by having freak-outs and being proven wrong because she loved me enough to be steady even in the face of my insecurity. I’ve learned that it’s better, more productive, to coax myself out of the freak-out before she even sees it, because it’s not worth bringing her down. I love her too much for that. And by learning how to do that, I realized yesterday that I’m not as much of a control freak anymore. I can let things go. But not only can I let things go — because that implies that it’s something I’m holding onto in the first place — I realized that there are some things that I’m just not even holding onto anymore. They don’t matter. Being the master of every detail in every situation doesn’t matter.
And wow, people. I can’t even tell you how happy and proud it makes me that I’m gradually becoming a better person. Don’t they say that people in a healthy relationship will bring out each other’s strengths and help make each other better people? I don’t think I ever really knew how true that could be. And it feels so fucking awesome.
So, that lesson one. It’s not “people don’t change.” It should be “you can’t force people to change for you.” Because I am living proof that people can, people do change. It just has to come from inside.
Great post Alpha. Trust is always one of the number one things in a relationship. One of the things I love about Jess is that she’s not a control freak and doesn’t really care what I do. Most Fridays or Saturdays if she’s working I’m going clubbing, to a party or hanging with friends. She never ask me for a detailed run down of what I did, she’ll just ask if I had a good time or not. She doesn’t care that when I go clubbing I dance with other people. I’m mean that’s all it is…dancing.
Now a before I met her I was the opposite. If my gf went clubbing without me I would be worrying the whole time what was happening. Since being with Jess that part of me has changed. She’s taught me if you can’t trust the person your with and constantly have check up on them then you shouldn’t be with them.
So for me I’ve changed where I’m more trusting in my relationship with Jess. I guess me letting her explore D/s with another woman shows that :) Kara XOXOXO
Yeah, it really does show that. I don’t think I’m quite at the point of being able to successfully manage a poly relationship (not that ML has asked), but maybe someday. A year ago I wouldn’t have thought it would be possible. Now, though, I think it might be in the future. But for now I’ll take it one day at a time :)
I’m still the “old you.” And I try so hard NOT to be. I try so hard to calm myself down, or tell myself I’m overreacting, or that it’s not a big deal. But then after doing that, if I get drunk– whether it be that night, that week, or the next week– it comes out and boils over and I just *have* to say something about that time that you upset me because [insert stupid, trivial time they forgot to call and tell me their plans for the night here].
So hopefully, I can change, too. If you can do it, I can, too!
Yeah, I feel you. That is all soooo familiar. And I have my lapses too, for sure.
For me, it really does boil down to trust. She’s stood by me often enough and proved to me through and through that when she forgets to call she really *did* forget, and it didn’t mean anything other than that. I might still be hurt by that, but then 20 minutes later she’ll do something really sweet (often unintentionally even) that shows that she DOES love me. And so I just trust that now. I’ve also been pretty intensely working on my own role in getting over my trust issues, so there’s that. It’s a long haul, but it is SO worth it.
I’ve been reading your blog long enough that I smiled when you reacted nonchalantly. Change/personal growth is nice right? :)
Your comment just plastered a huge grin across my face!! It’s so nice to have my invisible cheerleaders :)
And yeah, change in the form of personal growth is the best thing ever. It makes me feel like [cheese alert] I can take on the world!
That’s serious progress – reason to be proud :)
I suspect the biggest change is being in a relationship with somebody you genuinely can trust (or at least for me it would be, I’ve never had that). I think that gives you room to grow. Lucky you :)
I love how self aware you are, it’s refreshing in its rarity. More people should take as much personal inventory as you do and then make the actual steps to improve the things they’d like to improve. This post made me very happy – you are stepping into this new life and these first steps have been really healthy. Good for you!
You’ve got lots of cheerleaders!
And personal change, yes, how awesome does it feel to have recognized something and taken the steps to change it and then to be rewarded with the new feelings. I love stuff like this and want to give you a hearty Congratulations!
I love discovering little things like that about myself, when I can actually feel the progress. I like to think that when changes like that happen for us, it’s not even so much a change as it is a reveal of who we REALLY are when the insecurity/distrust/guard is stripped away.
I love your introspection. It makes me do a little of my own, which is always good!