At my Frameline volunteer shift the other day, I was doing will call with an older gay guy, John, and since it was the middle of the afternoon and thus a fairly quiet shift, we got to chatting. And by “we got to chatting,” I mean mostly that I asked him questions about his life, which he warmly and enthusiastically answered. He’s lived in San Francisco for over 35 years, in the Castro for 35 years. He was 22, he said, when he came out here, realizing he was gay. He moved here because of the Cockettes, whom he met when they were on tour in Milwaukee. He hung out with them after their show and just decided to go with them on the rest of their tour and then back to San Francisco.
He lived in San Francisco during the Harvey Milk days. He teared up when talking about the sadness and anger and overwhelming solidarity when Milk was assassinated. He lived in San Francisco during the AIDS crisis, and had to stop talking for a few minutes, he was too overcome with emotion to speak.
He told me that he sees the splintering in the gay community as tragic. “What splintering?” I asked, curious about what he was referring to.
“Everyone’s concerned with their own issues,” he said. “People come together to fight for marriage equality, sure, but at the end of the day marriage equality is about personal relationships. It’s about us as individuals. It’s not about all of us, together. And it allows us to think we’re fighting for ourselves rather than for each other.”
I nodded.
“During the AIDS crisis,” he said, “there was a real sense of camaraderie. I have such close, intense relationships with many lesbians from that generation. They really came out of the woodwork in support of us during that time. There hasn’t been anything like it since. Everyone does their own thing now.”
I said I thought so too, that I’d noticed something similar. I thought of the post I wrote last week.
He said, “it’s sad. What we’ve been fighting for all along is happening, equality, justice, acceptance, visibility. All of that. It’s happening, at least it’s happening in San Francisco. But it means that there isn’t as much of a need for us to watch out for each other anymore. Straight people don’t all watch out for each other. Being straight is hardly something to think of as having in common with each other. The more we get what we’ve been fighting for, the more we become normalized here, the less ‘being gay’ is something that brings us together. We’re becoming complacent.”
Is this true? I hadn’t thought of it this way. Does getting to a place where we’re no longer oppressed, where our society is no longer heteronormative, where we are fairly represented in government and where we’re systemically, institutionally, and socially equal to straight folks mean that we won’t have solidarity with each other anymore on the grounds of being queer? And if that’s the case, is it worth it? To me, that seems like such an unbearable loss. And John, tears in his eyes, seems to be suffering that loss. Or are his thoughts just tainted by nostalgia? After all, he knew three quarters of the people who came up to will call while we were sitting there together, men and women alike, and they all seemed to have so much love and support for each other.
I don’t know. What do YOU think?
Well, lord knows my opinion doesn’t count for much (since I’m straight) but isn’t that the goal? Not, obviously, to lose solidarity, but not to NEED activist groups or rallies: to live as people among other people, accepted for who you are. To rise together for a cause, against unjust oppressors, is a wonderful beautiful thing, but isn’t it wonderful and beautiful because, in the end, you hope it will no longer be necessary?
I just think of the Mothers across the street, with two lovely little boys of their own, living on a block that’s about 50/50 gay and straight, where they’re loved and accepted as they are, and it’s just so beautiful, the peace they have. That’s not to say there isn’t work to be done, Lord knows there is, and they’re still working on it (they had a Pride party a few weeks back for other single-sex couples with children so that the kids can get to know other kids with two mothers or two fathers).
I guess, I just always thought this fight (and women’s lib and civil rights) was so that you wouldn’t have to fight.
1) Your opinion totally counts. Straight and all! It *always* counts.
2) You’re so right. It’s that peace that we’re (well, I’m, anyway) after. It’s what I pretty much have, here. I mean, it’s not — but there are certainly moments of that peace. Even long moments! (And then I talk to my grandma, or get an odd look on the street while holding the lady’s hand, or open a newspaper…) And I *yearn* for that peace, really. It’s exactly what you said – I’m fighting now (to the miserly extent I am) so that we don’t have to fight. Yeah.
I suppose I can just say that as part of my sense of “peace,” I also want solidarity. I think sublimefemme makes an important point, and I would also think that it’s very likely that the relationship between the seeming progress and the lack of solidarity now is coincidental, and not causal.
I’m seeing John again tomorrow — we’ve planned an outing to the farmers’ market together! — so I’m going to talk to him some more about this, and try to convince him that progress and solidarity can absolutely be best friends!!
1. Oh, well, I just meant really that, being straight and white, I’ve never really been part of that sort of solidarity, so I don’t really know what I’m missing.
2. Let us know how the further discussion goes; I’m curious now.
3. I really hope someday you can meet the Mothers. They’re really lovely and seem to illustrate to me what you’re looking for insofar as your personal queer identity goes. Neither of them seems to be trying to pry herself into a particular role; they’re both just WOMEN and they seem perfectly at peace with themselves. I’d really like to invite them to the wedding but inviting neighbors means inviting 15 additional people (though I may still cave and do it anyway), so I was thinking of doing a Neighborhood party after the fact. Maybe I’ll try to include you and your lady-love in that as well.
I’d have a hard time finding anything to say that would match the eloquence of Genna’s comment. That was lovely.
I believe we’ll always be connected and share a similar story. Just the coming out process alone is one that will forever unite us in our shared or similar experience.
I have to agree with what Genna and GREG said also. The ultimate goal would be to get to a point where things like sexuality, race and being male or female don’t matter. Everyone is treated equally and with respect. Me & Jess may be lesbians but we actually have a lot more straight friends then gay/lesbian. As long as they support the choice we made I’m happy to be friends with them.
Kara XOXO
I think it’s also important to examine our narratives about progress. We tend to assume that things are better now then they were in the past, but that’s not necessarily true.
xo SF
YES. So true.
I just left a long comment, but your blog called me spam! Bummer. If you really want to read it, I guess just let me know where to send it (the comment). I’m glad you’re back to blogging, my friend.