summer ennui

I’m discovering that contentment is rather boring, or maybe it’s just that I’m not skilled enough as a writer to make it sound interesting. Suffice it to say, my life has been pretty, well, content. I’m doing pretty much exactly what I was hoping to this summer: cooking every day, baking, reading, working at the women’s building, cleaning and organizing, doing statistics work… It’s all pretty dull, really. There are a few things, though, that I haven’t been doing that are frustrating me.

1) I haven’t been writing here nearly enough, and I miss it. Originally, I had thought I would start every day by writing, but that hasn’t been possible mostly because I’m still too groggy in the morning to sit down and write. And not only that, but a post will often take me an hour or two or three to write up, and once I’ve done that and looked at the clock and find out it’s already 11, I feel guilty that I’ve been sitting around for that long. I haven’t yet gotten to the psychological place where I see this blog as a job, rather than as an indulgence. Last week I figured out that what might help is starting out my mornings with exercise, instead of writing, so that by the time I sit down to write at 9, I’ll have already gotten moving and burned some energy, and I’ll feel more ready to focus on writing. I’m going to try that.

And, gee, this is still boring, isn’t it?

2) I haven’t been getting out and about enough. I’ve been staying pretty occupied at home, it’s true, but no matter how productive I’m being and no matter how much I’m doing that I want to be doing, it still feels unproductive to spend the whole day around the house. I need to get out more. And although I know that intellectually, I have a really hard time putting that passive knowledge into immediate action. The truth is, I’m not quite sure what to do about this. I’ve tried setting specific times to do specific things (“at 2 o’clock I’m going to go up Bernal Hill with my camera”) but often, 2 o’clock comes and I’m engrossed in something else and I think “oh I’ll just do that tomorrow.” Then the end of the day comes, and I feel guilty and frustrated that I didn’t just do it. I’m a creature of inertia, I guess. I tend to just keep moving in the direction I’m already moving. If it keeps going like this, all these vague ideas I’m having about Things I Want To Do This Summer (start a back porch herb garden, climb as many staircases as I can, take free walking tours of the city) are going to wind up in my Not Done pile at the end of the summer. That depresses me. How do I combat this?

I have several things that I’m going to put into effect in the next week, and maybe they’ll help. One is, a friend of mine has reduced summer hours, and has asked if I want to be her “activity buddy” in the afternoons. Not every afternoon, maybe twice a week, but that’s enough that I will feel more active and adventurous. Not to mention social. So we can make plans together and be accountable to each other in keeping them. (Why do I have such a hard time being accountable to myself?)

Another is, I’m going to plan to post here three times a week, on the days that I don’t go to the women’s building — Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. Planning that way makes posting here concrete, something specific to accomplish on those days that I’ll be at home in the mornings. Maybe some days they’ll be short posts, if I’m working on another project that day, or have afternoon plans. But I really want to try to stick to that schedule, and by stating so here, I’m hoping to cultivate that sense of accountability in myself.

And the last thing is, I’d really like to start an exercise routine in the mornings. ML gets up at 6:15 after all, and I’ve been waking up with her. I hate those hours between 7 and 9, when I feel like I’m too sleepy and half-awake to do anything productive, and besides, the streets haven’t woken up yet. (I’m not a morning person, y’all. Although I am remarkably cheerful in the mornings. Just ask ML who, by the way, is totally cranky-pants in the mornings.) But going out for a run or to an early-morning yoga class or even just for a brisk walk would be a good way to start out the day. I’m going to plan to do that on the same days I blog. Three days a week. Should be doable, yeah?

I’m boring myself to tears now. This post sounds a bit melancholy, doesn’t it? No? Yes? I feel a bit melancholy at the moment. It’s 9 o’clock, Tuesday evening, I just had my neighbor for dinner, cooked risotto with green onions and peas. She left half an hour ago, and now I’m all alone. ML is in Baltimore on a business trip. Pathetic, isn’t it? Not being able to look forward to her coming home to me at the end of the day, the day kind of loses its spark. Come back, spark! Come back, ML! I want you here with me.

I know: I’m going to go make cookies. (That’s a really good recipe, by the way.) That’ll give the evening at least *some* spark. ;)

Tomorrow, even though it’s Wednesday, I won’t be posting. I’ve got a full day: waxing in the morning, Frameline volunteering in the afternoon, and then burlesque in the evening (hence waxing in the morning :)). And then Thursday, more Frameline during the day, and then in the evening, she comes back to me. I’m such a sap.