This evening I was getting my hair cut. My hairdresser of choice works at a particularly queer salon in the Mission (natch). As I was arriving, there was a young woman who, by all appearances, was very queer, in a San Francisco Mission dyke sort of way. I know that statement is problematic, but bear with me.
She was tallish, lanky, boyish. She had a kind of swagger. She had a visible full sleeve tattoo. She was getting her hair cut at a fucking queer ass salon. And her haircut was the queerest of all:
This was her haircut exactly, except her hair was dark brown with bleached streaks. SO FUCKING QUEER.
And then, this happened:
Her: “Oh my god, I love it!”
Hairdresser: “Awesome I’m so glad! It suits you great.”
Her: “Squeeeee! My boyfriend is going to love it too, oh my god he’s going to freak out.”
Hairdresser: “Well you should bring him in here, we have a lot of clients who are trans men.”
Her: awkward pause. “Um, excuse me? What? My boyfriend is not trans.”
The hairdresser didn’t miss a beat, luckily, and the awkwardness was kind of smoothed over, but I had two interesting reactions:
1) Chillax, dude, no need to get that defensive about someone mistaking your and your boyfriend’s sexual and/or gender identity! It’s frakking San Francisco!
and
2) IF YOU’RE NOT QUEER, AND ARE IN FACT HOMO- AND TRANSPHOBIC, AND ACTUALLY EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT, DON’T FUCKING APPROPRIATE THE VISUAL MARKERS OF OUR IDENTITY.
Part of me suspects that’s entirely off base. Whatever, she can dress and style herself however she wants, right? And honestly, who the fuck knows where the fucking faux hawk comes from? I sure’s hell don’t. It’s probably not the queers.
But, I don’t know. Part of me also wants to defend that reaction. It’s San Francisco, and with such a visible queer/dyke community here, and particularly the Mission, that kind of visual marker is pretty much unmistakable as being queer.
It’s like this: it’s our fucking picnic. You’ve got so many that we aren’t invited to. Leave us alone at ours.
I have similar reactions to the appropriation by white people of cultural aspects and traditions of people of color, at least when it’s done in a way that’s just like “hey cool I wanna be like that” and not in an educated, fully interested way. And also similar reactions when straight folks decide they can be both straight and queer, unless they’re really done a lot of self-work on that. Do these parallels work? Is my frustration justified?
Or maybe I need to practice withdrawing judgment, and assuming the best of people. Might make me feel better, too.
Get over it. That’s pretty damn offensive to assume that because someone strongly draws on Queer Identity markers for themselves, that they’re required to live in your assumed Queer categories. You are right, btw – the fauxhawk isn’t originally a Queer Identity identifier at all, so your post is even more misplaced.
Her relationship with her boyfriend could very well be completely Queer – it’s not required that her boyfriend be Trans for that to be true, and you have zero context to judge that.
You Don’t Get To Decide Who Is Queer.
Hmmmmm. Thanks for your comment cala. It helped me think this through more thoroughly, and I realize I posted this rather brashly without thinking about the implication that I come across as policing other people’s identities. I definitely don’t want to do that, and absolutely, she could have a queer relationship and still be straight.
As for me, I personally use queer as a label of sexual orientation to mean “not straight.” I know that for many people it means something broader, and that’s awesome. It’s one of the amazing things about that word. But… I guess I forget that when I use “queer” to mean “not straight,” it might imply that you CAN’T be queer and straight. I’m sorry about that implication, and I’m going to use this as a reminder to myself to be aware of that. And I’m dismayed that this post reads as a policing of identity… that’s not what I’m about, at all. As a femme queer dyke, I hate that kind of policing, being assumed I’m not queer, that kind of thing. So, I’m sorry my post came across that way. Clearly I was irritated and not being careful about how I was expressing myself.
The point of my post is not so much about the specifics of this woman’s identity and relationship. My assumption about her, even with a cis straight boyfriend, wouldn’t necessarily be that she’s not queer. However, the fact that she *recoiled* at the suggestion that her boyfriend might be trans was what really made me angry. And THAT was what made me assume that she’s appropriating queer identity markers out of a place of ignorance.
Now, whether that’s the case with this particular woman or not isn’t really all that relevant here, I don’t think. Because the thing that annoys me isn’t about her. It’s about people in general that appropriate cultural traits/markers/traditions of people who they have no understanding of, make no effort to understand, and have no interest in understanding. THAT’S what annoys me. So in that sense, this woman is pretty irrelevant, and my assumptions about her (whether fair or unfair) were just fodder for my getting frustrated with the general trend that I see here in my neighborhood of people thinking that queer “looks cool” without any notion of what queer MEANS.
And the reason I think this is a trend is NOT because I walk around making assumptions about people I don’t know, but rather because I’ve had way too many conversations with people where the fact that this is the case has become clear to me. And these are NOT people that identify as queer, these are people that just decide they like the way Queer looks and acts and exists, and so they want to be that way too despite the fact that they have no inner knowledge of it. Much like a white frat boy type who talks about his inner black woman.
And regarding this woman — my irritation is less that she seems to be a straight person appropriating queer identity markets, and more that she seems to be a straight person appropriating queer identity markers *from a place of ignorance.*
So, that’s really the point I was trying to get across. Frustration with that kind of appropriation from a place of ignorance. I’m sorry to have offended you, and to have implied that queer and straight are mutually exclusive. It is certainly not my intention, on this blog or anywhere, to tell people how they can or can’t identify. If you read some of my back entries (specifically one on allyship a few weeks back) I think you’ll see that I really try to come from a place of openness and respect and understanding.
Anyway thanks for your comment and for making me think. I’m going to leave my post as is because I don’t like the idea of revisionism in general… but hopefully this comment will be a decent addendum.
Hey, I’m a straight lady who wants to be entirely sure that I’ve got my terms right, so this question (which may seem odd) comes entirely from a place of respect and wishing to be correct when talking to my queer friends. When you say “her relationship with her boyfriend can be entirely queer” even if her boyfriend isn’t trans, it makes me think my definition of “queer” is entirely wrong.
I guess I’ve been defining queer (like Alphafemme) as “not straight”. Is there a more appropriate definition?
It can be queer if she’s bi or pansexual. Or if both of them are. Or if they’re in a poly relationship with another person who isn’t male. Or if he’s her boyfriend, but his gender identity is more complicated than that (see cala’s 2nd comment, below). Or if her’s is.
I’ve heard it described “het, not straight.”
“Het, not straight.”
LOVE that.
(lurker delurking to say…)
1) super interesting post & discussion. rock.
2) on het/queer relationships: a couple years ago i read this really interesting book by Michael Warner called “The Trouble With Normal.” it’s a little dated–written during the clinton years, i think, as an anti-assimilationist response to Andrew Sullivan’s “Virtually Normal.” however, there’s an extremely interesting chart in it that identifies male heterosexuality as not just desiring women, but a whole package of traits:
i.e. as a “normal” heterosexual male, you desire women, desire women exclusively, have sex in ways deemed active and insertive, dress exclusively in clothing deemed masculine, have xy chromosomes, view yourself as male, and a whole other long list. so not one trait, but a package of traits you need to accept in order to be viewed as “normal.”
so a het queer relationship, maybe, could be one in which the entirety of this package is NOT accepted.
thank you. I am a bit late, but I was sad to see all the bi(or pan or omni)sexual invisibility in the response to the comment, and really, from the hairdresser herself. this is a unique feature of some particular social groups I’m part of, but I can tell you for a fact-some women with boyfriends also have girlfriends at the same time. others had girlfriends before, and may afterwards if they break up. Having a boyfriend doesn’t make one straight.
That said, the trans freaking out doesn’t seem to make a good argument for tolerance. but who knows.
should add-does having a boyfriend and girlfriend make you not queer? or do you lose all queerness when you start a relationship with someone of a different gender? None of this touches on the appropriation comment, sorry, but really, my issue is how much info we don’t even have to know if she’s appropriating.
You know what they say about assuming right?
Lesson learned. NEVER assume. Queer salon or not.
Hmm, I think there’s a lot that’s interesting going on in this one, Alphafemme. I like the controversy it sparked in my head.
Where to begin….it’s fairly obvious that there can be different types of queer. My first reaction was “bisexual!” but that’s me making a judgement too. She could be any sort of variety of queer, and not knowing her, I shouldn’t make any sort of judgement.
That said: I totally know what you mean. Whether or not it’s right to feel that way, I don’t know and I won’t even try to delve into. But,I think your analogy to cultural norms you are not a part of or educated in fits. When I see someone taking up any sort of norm, not just queerness, and then finding out they are not a part of the group, I feel a bit betrayed, regardless of what group it is. Especially if it’s someone queer (and hot!). It almost seems like….gay is trendy. That if being a lesbian is hip (don’t guys love to watch girls hook up?) and the haircut marks you as a lesbian, then it’s hip. And when the person isn’t a lesbian, you feel like yelling “FAKER! You’re just doing it because we’re cool!” I totally get that.
At least it wasn’t a mullet?
But on a more serious note, I feel your pain. I feel that same prickly irritation and I think the issue is not her dressing like us, or even her transphobia, but the fact that she acted that way in what you perceived to be a safe place. She has the whole rest of the nation to be transphobic in, can she please keep her crap in check if she’s going to be in what is very clearly a queer space?
Or I suppose she could have just been that clueless. It never ceases to surprise me how utterly clueless people are. Maybe she’s so thoroughly insulated from anything queer that she simply can’t recognize the markers we’ve all learned to search for. Her gaydar is so poor Paul Lynde and kd lang themselves could take her for a walk in the Castro and she’d be wondering why there were so many places selling leather and whether all those rainbow flags were there because there were lots and lots of daycare centers.
Anyway.
On another other note, I’m looking for a cool queer place to get my queer hair cut queerly. So where is this one?
Nezu (JB’s friend)
It’s called Glama-Rama, at 15th and S. Van Ness! Although it’s moving in May to Valencia, across from Four Barrel Coffee. It’s pretty much the queerest salong *ever*.
And, hi! And your comment is spot-on, both points. And it made me laugh out loud. So basically, you win :)
Woot! Thanks!
And hi, back! Pleased to meetcha. And very glad I made you laugh. Laughter is always win. Hope your week is filled with it.
Queer cut achieved (at a place in San Jose, but thanks for the rec!) You can see it at: http://nezumiko.wordpress.com/2010/03/20/88/
It looks better even today with different glasses and less goo.
On a lighter note, I already have no gaydar… girls like this make it even more challenging! A light bulb might go off (more like glow weakly) if I walk smack into a big butch girl with ‘dyke’ tattooed across her forehead, but other than that I’m hopeless.
I get where you’re coming from. Rock your look, whatever it is, but – especially if you ‘look’ queer – its kind of offensive when you get offended if someone mistakes you for one.
on the other side, i look straight — and i always take great pains to come out at the first possible second when in straight space. i’ve waited before, in groups of straight women particularly, and had them be freaked out, especially if they’ve been doing some form of girl-bonding (talking about boyfriends/periods/babies/etc.).
not really because they are inherently homophobic, but because i wasn’t what they thought i was, and they let their guard down and talked about things in a way they might not have if they had known i didn’t share their perspective.
this can happen in lots of ways — consider the group of progressive liberals finding out that one in their midst is a social conservative, or a member of a conservative christian church…you have inside-group talk that is inappropriate when an outside-group person is present. it’s not great to assume things about someone’s identity, but the person in the minority has an obligation to disclose or risk a) making people uncomfortable when they do disclose and b) hearing things that might make them uncomfortable themselves.
i’m usually a “live and let live” sort of person, but there’s something that kind of annoys me in this story, and i think you put your finger on it in the comments to @cala. yes, people shouldn’t assume that folks asking for faux hawks are queer. but yes, it is reasonable to expect someone to be trans-tolerant if they’re in san francisco. walking into a queer salon in a neighborhood known for diversity… well… do your homework.
i’m coming at this from a place of frustration. i’ve started to date several women who hung out with queer people in the queer part of town (and even took some of them to the dyke march) who throw down ALL the queer signals, only to discover later that they have a problem with being queer themselves.
you can be an effective feminist without being queer. it’s okay to like boys AND live a self-actualized life. you don’t have to be queer to do this. it is totally okay to be an ally. it makes you JUST AS COOL as queer folk. to me, the cool think about being openly queer is that i am living a life i choose, tolerant of others and i’m not backing down in the face of pressure to conform to social norms.
the haircut is not the cool part of being queer.
Thanks for the reply back, and the thoughtful way you’re approaching the conversation.
I am sorry that I’m the first angry commenter on your blog, that’s pretty rare for me, but I come from a position of being gendered and identitied incorrectly all the time, and it often really hurts. I’m male-bodied, I usually present as male, and my partner is decidedly female, but as anyone who knows us well would tell you, I’m Genderqueer, and we’re definitely a 3-dollar-bill level Queer Couple. If my g/f were the one in that chair, she might reply similarly with “um, excuse me? My Boyfriend is not a Trans Man.”, and you might interpret her response the same way – but it’s not a transphobic response, it’s honest and educated and is about her partner’s identity, which is very important to me.
“Appropriation” as a term is one I wrestle with, because it’s so divisive. I believe strongly in the power of common identity, and when my Queerdar picks up hints that someone I’ve met may be like me, I get happy and excited, because they’re likely to understand me. When I discover that my ‘dar was off, instead of being upset about it, I smile now because these are signs that we are Queering our environments, and that’s a positive thing, IMHO.
Alright, it’s a bright pretty day and it’s time for me to do some good deeds to make up some Karma for angry-blogging last night. <3 ! @cala
Thanks for your second comment.
I think the reason your anger didn’t just make me all defensive and snappy back, and instead gave me pause to think, is that I /get it/. Obviously our identities are different, and I can never really get it, just like you can never really get me. But I can sure relate to the position of being identitied incorrectly all the time, and I *know* that hurts.
And on further reflection I think a lot of my own frustration in this hairdresser situation comes from a place of resentment and even envy. Like, how is it fair that SHE can be ID’ed so easily in the way that I desperately WANT to be ID’ed but never AM because I look fucking straight (apparently)?
And that’s my very human acknowledgment that I think a lot of my more raw emotions are not really justifiable, in the sense of being reasonable or logical or rational. But they’re there and they’re real and, as Barbara points out in her comment, they come from being in an underprivileged position myself. As you clearly do, too, which is where *your* anger comes/came from.
And I think as long as I try to be responsible about my human emotions and reactions, then I’m okay with that. Perhaps this post wasn’t so responsible, but I think sometimes it’s hard to always be responsible when a raw emotion wants to come out. And I guess I think that’s ok. It’s human, anyway. As long as I can deal with the aftermath responsibly (which I hope I am).
Regarding queering our environments: I do agree, to a certain extent, that it’s a positive thing in general. But when the queering is just superficial, regardless of any kind of measurably positive impact it may have, it can hurt. Because of the privilege behind it, again as Barbara pointed out. It’s not the fault of individuals… but it’s the fault of a system that needs a hell of a lot more than just the queering of our environments to actually be able to systemically reject heteronormativity.
irish boys. that’s, from my observation, where the fauxhawk comes from ;) about a year or so before i ever saw one in the states, every boy in belfast had that hair. it could have been a larger euro thing; my experience was limited, but i didn’t notice them elsewhere.
i apologize in advance for having not read the comments yet (you tend to start great discussions, so i’ll be back to do so when i have a bit more time).
my response is two-fold: one, i really don’t care who wears what, and i don’t think it matters – as far as, say, someone straight looking super-gay. oh, or vice versa.
but! if you carry the visual markers of a group, then you have no fucking right to be offended if you are mistaken as a part of that group. you know, like folks assuming i’m straight. ain’t nothing wrong with it; *i* set myself up for it. now, you can be offended if people are assholes. or if they refuse to accept your correction, but not by the assumptions they make in the first place.
and i have always thought that the only reason one would be offended by such a mistake is if you hold some serious dislike for the group you were mistaken for a member of.
Oh, my dear. I looked at that picture and said to myself “Hey, that’s a nice haircut… looks kinda punky”. (And yes, I realize I’m straight, so perhaps I’m not in on the markers.) The first thing I thought was “punk” but, granted, I’m in Upstate New York and straight.
The next thought I had were of those steampunk boots I bought a few months back (you voted for them, remember?) and how those, likewise, struck me as sort of punky, and how those would go really well with that haircut. “Egad,” I thought, “Is [Alphafemme] likely to get pissy at me for wearing boots that might look like a queer marker?”
Then my brain wandered off for a bit and thought about how much nicer your shoes are than mine, in order to make this random thought relevant, it inserted that it’s odd that you, as a die-hard heel wearing femme, would get annoyed by somebody’s haircut. So I went back and read the post again.
I think aesthetics are fair game, and a silly thing to get upset about. I understand being pissy at straight girls kissing at frat parties, that totally makes sense to me. I understand being pissy at skinny white kids from CBA talking about the ‘hood. I don’t understand looking at a chick who thought a haircut looked neat and getting upset. Because, for me, aesthetics has always been purely about what looks neat. If I saw someone with that haircut, and if I thought it would look good on me, stopped the girl in question and asked where she got it done, if I then went to the salon she recommended and got it done and loved it, I’d be sad if you were mad at me because of my hair. It seems unreasonable for you to expect that some poor female is going to research the implications of her hair cut. If I could ever figure out how to wrap a sari, I might choose to wear a sari in hottest-July because it’s pretty and comfortable and convenient and because it’s just clothes. I remember when I was thirteen and dyed my hair black and spent the rest of that year trying to convince people that I wasn’t a goth, wasn’t a wiccan, wasn’t a satan worshiper, I just wanted black hair. Judging people by the aesthetics they choose is a dangerous dangerous path, my dear. (After all, your haircut is similar to my mother’s, are you my mommy? (sorry, this is getting ridiculous).
All that said, if what she said was said with horror, then I feel you on the first point.
I guess it just strikes me as really really strange that you’re, on the one hand, so very defensive (and rightly so) of your right to sleep with a lady and wear pretty dresses, but are upset that this girl has a queer haircut and sleeps with a guy.
As always, with love. You should try making that pie I made. I think it would appeal.
You’re right that aesthetics are a silly thing to get upset about.
What’s NOT a silly thing to get upset about is the fact that I live in a world in which, as a queer person, I get flak for the very same things that straight people do and it’s cool. See Barbara’s comment for more of what I mean by that. And that’s not to fault the straight people who do those things or to suggest that they can’t do them. As you said, everyone should be able to do what makes them feel comfortable and more like themselves! And as far as your combat boots go, I don’t think that’s at all parallel to the situation at my hairdresser, because you didn’t get the idea (either consciously or unconsciously) from queer folks. It may be a SHARED identity marker, but it’s certainly not an APPROPRIATED one. The thing that frustrates me (irrationally, granted) is when people consciously mimic a queer look because they think it’s cool. I think that’s a lot more likely in a place like San Francisco than in a place like upstate New York, just because there’s actually a sizable enough queer population here for a “look” to be visible.
It might be similar to a straight cis male (cis means not trans or genderqueer) deciding that women have it better because they can get out of a ticket by batting their eyelashes, or because they get free drinks at ladies’ night. He sees a trend in a particular subset of people that he doesn’t belong to, and decides it’s better than what he has. (In this example he actually falls short of appropriation, obviously.) BUT, he has no knowledge and makes no effort to gain knowledge about everything that’s part of women’s experiences BEYOND the superficial.
Also, see my response to Cala’s second comment. I acknowledge there that my reaction here is human, rather than *right*. You’re right, I should be more gentle towards my fellow beings. Sometimes my emotional responses to situations that trigger my defenses against this oppression of being queer get in the way. But don’t worry, Genna, I’m not sitting here judging everything you do and taking it personally :)
I agree, alphafemme. And, I think, the frustration about these kinds of things is all about privilege.
A straight person can take and appropriate queer things and be a really cool and edgy STRAIGHT person. While a queer person could have queer markers and it wouldn’t be cool and edgy, it would just be a normal queer and they would probably also be looked at weirdly in the bathroom and glared at by the old white lady and made to feel very uncomfortable on the subway (oh god, you can so tell I’m from Boston). The difference is that the straight/cis person (unlike a queer person) retains their privilege after donning a queer look, and, inexplicably, makes the queer look cooler- for the fact that it is on a privileged person (and is therefore edgy). That is part of what makes it aggravating.
Another part is what Nezuko said about safe places. And the final part is just that, as people, we get jealous when people take our good ideas i.e. “faux hawks are OURS” and “I liked radiohead before it was cool to like radiohead!” This tendency becomes stronger and more important to us when, as a community, there are so few things that we can lay claim to, that we can call ours.
Withdrawing judgment is in no way my strong suit, so maybe I’m wrong, but… To your original response: Hell yes. Right on.
If it looks like a duck and and quacks like a duck AND LIVES WHERE ALL THE OTHER DUCKS LIVE, it shouldn’t get offended if someone mistakes it for a duck.
On the other hand…my gf dresses like a boy and acts like a boy and hates being called “sir.”
Hmmm…good controversy, alphafemme!
@LB_Boi
I’ve learned before, and yet the little naive hopeful one in me always tries to forget!
@RadDyke
Exactly — it probably isn’t RIGHT to feel this way, but it’s certainly pretty human. I wouldn’t go around defending this response in attempt to be logically persuasive. But I think it’s worth being honest about this kind of emotion because it’s totally generated by our oppressive system. And THAT. is fucked up.
@aneke
“its kind of offensive when you get offended if someone mistakes you for one.”
^ That. Also, totally hear you on it making gaydar pinging more challenging…!!! But that, I guess, is no one’s fault but my own faulty gaydar device ;)
@liberation
Interesting thoughts. I think you’re absolutely right that any person in the minority, no matter what the context, is at risk of making people uncomfortable or (more importantly) being uncomfortable themselves… I guess that’s why people tend to prefer to surround themselves with people like themselves. It’s safer. (But no where near as fun!)
@OhMeadhbh
Hell. Yeah. The haircut is SO not the cool part of being queer! You hit the nail right on the head with your entire comment.
@lady brett
“and i have always thought that the only reason one would be offended by such a mistake is if you hold some serious dislike for the group you were mistaken for a member of.”
^ That’s exactly it. It’s not the fact that she looked queer and turned out potentially not to be that bothered me. It’s the fact that she was quite clearly offended that anyone would assume her boyfriend was trans. I suppose that COULD be because she and/or her boyfriend is queer in some other way, but maybe you had to’ve been there — the registration of shock, recoiling, and being offended just didn’t read that way to me. Shrug.
@Barbara
Spot-on comment. Yes, it’s all about privilege. And in that sense it’s not about this girl at ALL. It’s about the system that creates these kinds of situations in the first place. In my response to cala’s second comment I expanded a bit more on my thoughts and integrated your comment. Thanks!!
@Bond
Thanks for the validation. It matters.
I think people have mostly said what I would say. ;) Her offense was offensive, though personally, I wouldn’t assume she knew she was in a queer space. Doesn’t make it less offensive, because queer space or not she shouldn’t be acting that way, but it’s something to keep in mind. (I can’t tell you how often I’ve been in a queer space and totally not realized it. And I’m queer!)
As for the hair cut — I assumed that pic you posted was her, and my first reaction was that she was straight. I don’t even register that as a queer cut until the fauxhawk is a lot shorter — and even then, I register it first and foremost as punk (which is where it came from). The lesbians I see with a fauxhawk generally keep it only an inch or two long; longer than that, and I see it as het, punk, probably a poser. ;)
J
O lord JB, and that’s kind of the cut I was thinking I’d get. Longer and fuller on the top, shorter on the sides. And blue, of course. Am I doomed to look like a poser?
Only if you’re trying to look punk. If you’re not trying to look punk, you’re good. ;)
J
Very interesting conversation. Is it strange to anyone else, even in a queer space, that the hair dresser assumed, and then tried to out, faux hawks bf about his gender identity in front of a salon full of people? Heck, I get annoyed when the front desk guy outs me as getting a lip wax in front of a salon full of people. If my hairdresser made assumptions about my partner’s gender, I might get annoyed too. So I wouldn’t jump on labeling faux hawk as transphobic. Correcting assumptions about your partners gender can just be awkward.
that’s very true. I think in general the sentiment this post speaks to though is still very up for me, regardless of whether this specific incident was an “appropriate” trigger of it.
also in the spirit of anti- opression in general- Mohawks are approriated from Native Americans… not sure how faux hawks would fit into this but food for thought. Can people justify getting mad if someone is appropriating something that was already appropriated? Eg: should the beasty boys be mad at eminem for copying the “White Rap” thing? check it out: http://zinelibrary.info/files/dread.pdf
Ooooo, good point! Thanks for bringing that up.
In your opinion should straight allies wear rainbows at a Pride Parade? Three people here said yes, but it is only a sample of three, and they didn’t address the issue of appropriation.
Does wearing a rainbow signify queerness? Or does it signify queer/trans positivity?
I think folks should wear whatever they want :) yes I think straight allies can and should wear rainbows to signify allyship! what I don’t like so much is girls wearing “gay for a day” t-shirts and making out with each other while holding hands with their boyfriends. in general – sure, fine, have at it! but at pride? umm, maybe just a wee bit inconsiderate!
Reeeeaallly late to the party, but…
I’d get offended if someone assumed that a guy I’m dating must be trans because I look like a lesbian, not because of transphobia on my part (that would be more than a bit hypocritical), but because of the transphobia inherent in “trans guy = lesbian.”
noted. still, I think there’s a difference between saying someone looks like a lesbian and looks queer. (I didn’t use the word lesbian in this post!) There are so many queer dykes or queer women who don’t identify as lesbians and who do date trans guys. And there are so many trans guys who identify as queer. That’s not to say there aren’t trans guys who date cis women who identify as straight and cis women who date trans guys who identify as straight. Still – in SF there are various distinctly queer aesthetics (not *lesbian* aesthetics) (and there are plenty of queers who don’t have any of those aesthetics too), and I think it’s fair to read someone as queer who fits those aesthetics — and reading them as queer does not, to me, assume who they sleep with or date. Make sense?