It all comes at once, and it throws me off.
I stopped at home yesterday afternoon for 10 minutes before my grad school interview, just to fill up my water bottle and change my shoes. But I got distracted, because I had two conspicuous pieces of mail waiting for me, one big and fat, one small and thin.
I got rejected by Berkeley. I got into UCLA.
And UCLA offered me money. A lot of money. FREE money.
And then with all of this swirling around in my head — disappointment about Berkeley, relief at getting accepted somewhere, realization that YAY! I CAN LEAVE MY JOB, that all of everything I’ve been thinking about hypothetically is now something that can really happen, and then of course feeling flattered that UCLA wants me so much that they will *pay me* to go there, which is unusual for a master’s program — all of this swirling around in my head, I still had to go to my interview at the remaining grad program here in San Francisco. So off I went, had the interview, and then at the end of the interview the faculty I interviewed with informed me that they were extending me an offer of admission as well.
So. Two offers, one rejection. All in the same day. And my whole world feels thrown off. I get to leave my job and now it feels real — May 14th will be my last day. That’s in two months. Two months left of this and then I move on, my life goes forward and it’s strange, because although for now my life is still exactly the same as it was on Friday, and I’ll have to continue going through the motions for the next few months, it all feels so different.
And, of course, the big question: do I follow the money, move to LA? I don’t know a soul in LA, and to me, the city seems huge and unforgiving. It’s a sprawling car city, very unlike San Francisco, all crammed onto a thumb jutting into the sea. It’s a city of actors and producers and entertainment and swimming pools and palm trees. I would live by myself, probably, and I’d have to get a car and wouldn’t have any friends (but of course I would make friends, I know that, but do I have to start over? again?) and I’d be going to school, sure, but what about everything else? Starting from scratch, in a place I don’t even really want to call home. And mi’lady wouldn’t be there. She’d stay here, in San Francisco. And right after we’ve been talking about living together, to do exactly the opposite, move away, live entirely separately seems so devastating.
San Francisco a city of books and hardwood floors and queers and streetcars and fog and hills and creative activism. San Francisco is my city. It’s my self-made home. And today was gorgeously sunny and warm so that it didn’t even make me half-lust after balmy SoCal. Was the universe trying to tell me to stay? “See? San Francisco can shape up and be perfect, give her a chance, don’t leave!”
I have a few weeks to make this decision, luckily. But it’s not one I’m really looking forward to having to make. I know there’s no wrong choice here, I can’t mess up. But I do so badly want to do what’s right.
Congrats to getting into UCLA. I’m sure they’ll be lucky to have you. Free money is also good to :) I wouldn’t worry to much about starting over in a new area. I did it when I went to college. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of friends in no time. Kara XOXOXOXOXOXO
I’m glad you got into grad school :D . Just choose the best program and the one that offers the most benefits.
It’s hard to start in a new place, but you get to meet new people and get to know a new city. You can always move back to San Francisco when you graduate.
Congrats on getting into not one, but TWO of your choices. That’s brilliant. You’re brilliant.
It’s a hard choice to make. I can tell you what I’d choose to do after my grad school experience, but that doesn’t help much, does it?
You’re a rockstar, and will make the right choice. let me know if you ever want to talk about it :)
I just tweeted you, but figured I’d flesh out my thoughts in a comment. I moved away for grad school and found it was a lot easier to focus because I was forced to take a break from my social life at home– it’s only a couple of years and worth it for all the free money. (I got hooked up too.)
So San Francisco is NOT offering money? Also, how long are these grad programs?
You must weigh your options, discuss long and seriously with your Lady Love, and then see. What does not getting money mean? What does getting money mean? How much distance for how long are you both willing to deal with?
If your relationship is strong, it will survive a limited period of distance. Distance sucks, granted. I guess the most important question to ask yourselves are the following:
Which would you regret more if things go south? Do you want to throw everything into the relationship and the possible cost of better schooling/less debt, or do you want to put your weight behind school but possibly short-change your relationship? If you’re going to get the same level of education, maybe it doesn’t matter where you go to school, and you can stay in San Francisco. If your relationship is solid enough to take the distance, then it doesn’t matter in a different way and you can go to LA.
For me, the distance stage of my relationship was horrible and painful, but it was a proving ground. I learned what I can stand, and I learned that I can stand a lot more than I thought. More importantly, I learned what our relationship could stand and I am so very much more confident on our future because I know we made it through our past.
congratulations on your acceptances! that’s great news!
Wow girl, congratulations on the acceptances! That’s really awesome and amazing. I’m so happy for you, getting to do what your heart really wants to do :)
It’s a tough decision for sure. Have you talked to mi’lady about it yet? I’m sure you’ll know the right decision when you come to it.
xoxo
OMG how exciting! CONGRATS! I hope the Universe blesses you with all the wisdom to make the decision you need to to make the right choice for youuself :) And of course, my friends and I would welcome you to LA with open arms :)
Congratulations and good luck with your big decision.
I was in a similar situation last Spring, except I was your lady. I refused to take any part in the decision making, saying that it was something that they needed to decide on their own outside of me. This was mostly my uneasiness with all of the uncertainty, but I can say without a doubt it was the WRONG thing to do. I definitely recommend following Genna’s words of advice and have a long, serious talk with your lady.
This is all of course assuming that the decision is mostly revolving around your relationship, which I don’t think it is. Choosing where to go to school really isn’t all that difficult when you take it down to the basics. Does the culture of the school/department fit you? Will you be sick of being there for 3(ish) years? Do they have the specialized programs that you are looking for in a University? Money for graduate school is always exciting and tempting. But it isn’t the end-all-be-all of the decision.
You can and will make this decision much easier than you think. Just keep in mind the things that make you happy and never settle for anything that doesn’t make you want to scream from the rooftop (in a good or bad way).
Go, you! That’s awesome, AF, even if it means hard decisions coming up. You’ll make them, and you’ll make the right choice.
If you do decide to leap to LA and you need some help, let me know. I have peeps in that area. ;)
J
Congratulations!!! That’s AWESOME!
My favorite lil’ piece, CJ, had to do this last year. I tried to stay the hell out of the decision, even though I was secretly rooting for a certain school.
Choose the school that’s right for you! If you want to be together, you’ll find a way to make it work. Congrats again!
CONGRATS!!!!! Grad school here you come! Good luck with this important decision.
Congratulations!!! I’m delighted for you. I agree with much of what Genna says but I disagree on one point: I doubt that you would get the “same education” in any 2 programs. Furthermore, I think it always matters where you get your degree. Whether or not you’re planning on going on for a PhD or some other degree, you obviously want to be strategic about selecting your MA program. But I’m a humanities professor at a research university & this advice is very much grounded in my own social location.
The bottom line is that the “right” decision for you has to be based on* your* priorities. Some of the commonsense wisdom about such matters is useful, but not always best for everyone. For example, people often say not to go to a school if it’s in a location you don’t like, but in my world most grad students barely make it off campus anyway! After all, you’re going there to study, not to take in the nightlife.
Congrats again on the fellowship from UCLA. Maybe mi’lady would be willing to move there with you??
xo
SF