So, my burlesque classes are a few weeks underway. We’ve started having to “perform” what we’re learning to each other, and it is NERVEWRACKING. Have I ever mentioned that I get very afraid of being the center of attention of a large group of people? Well, I get very afraid of being the center of attention of a large group of people. So as soon as all eyes are on me, *poof* I’m out of my body. This means that instead of feeling what my body feels like, I’m feeling what it LOOKS like to other people. It’s a very weird disconnect, and I think it’s pretty connected to the way I was raised to prioritize other people’s needs ahead of my own. Though I’ve been getting better about that in my daily life, it’s still pretty hard for me to just relax and enjoy the feeling of being in my body when I know other people are looking at me. Suddenly I become all, “are they enjoying looking at me? am I boring them? what if they hate what I’m doing? AHHHHH!” and want to run away. And because I’m not thinking about what my body is doing, but instead am thinking about what it looks like to them over there, my body (obviously) suddenly can’t do anymore what my brain wants it to do.
So, burlesque is a bit of a challenge. But this is why I started it, isn’t it? I think I’m doing okay. Maybe I’m even getting better, bit by bit. I do think, though, that I need to practice on my own if I’m going to start feeling rapid increases in confidence in class. (Class is only held once a week, after all.) And let me reiterate: my lack of confidence is not in my body’s appearance. I’m perfectly happy with my body’s shape and size and what it generally looks like. The problem is maybe even some sort of opposite of that — rather than being hyper-aware of my body and what it looks like from in my mind, I’m all sorts of clueless about it. As I watch myself move in the mirror, I can see my body as if from an external perspective, can see that it looks good at what it’s doing. But I can’t tell what it FEELS like. So when you take me away from the mirror and put me in front of 14 pairs of eyes, my body has no fucking clue what it’s doing anymore.
So I’ve got to take it on myself to do some work on this. I’m starting by getting the book and DVD by my instructor, Bombshell Betty. She’s the bomb. Ha. Seriously, though, she’s adorable and very kind and encouraging and really good at what she does. Here’s her book:
And she has a DVD too which I’m going to buy from her next week in class. The book is great, although it doesn’t have color photos. It’s basically a guide to posing for a photo! And goes into stuff like pin-up poses, “personality projection” (“it’s all in the eyes”), using props in photos, best poses to flatter your body… So even if you’re NOT doing burlesque, you can learn a lot from it. For me, I’m hoping I can practice in front of my mirror and then close my eyes and memorize what it FEELS like. Instead of what it looks like. And having camera confidence and stage confidence are, I think, closely related.
But I’m looking for other ideas too, that I don’t have to stand in front of my mirror to practice. Has anyone else had this problem, this inability to connect with your own body? What have you done to help fix that? Anything you got I’m willing to try!
OMG I want that book! But it’s ridiculously expensive at amazon. Can you buy it directly from her?
You can get it on her website, but I think it’s the same price… She gives a $5 discount in class though! If you want it, let me know!!
I’m not sure I have any great advice, but I definitely relate to where you’re at right now. I really, really want to put on a little show for my girlfriend, but I start to over-think what I’m doing with my body when I practice.
Part of my problem is that I used to be a most confident hippie dancer. I loved to dance in front of other people, and one time a band even thanked me! I’m not really into that scene anymore, but moving my body in new (very different) ways feels awkward, especially without a mirror. And as soon as I start to think, it’s obvious. My rhythm suffers and I’m not very smooth. Also, I can’t really hide what I’m thinking–my face tends to show everything. Nothin’ says sexy like a deer in headlights look.
Here’s how I’m addressing all this so far:
* Yoga. Lots of yoga. I figure the more time I spend intentionally listening to my body, the better.
* On nights when I’m alone, I practice in front of an empty chair. I’ve made a “no mirror” rule, although I still break it all the time.
* I only work with music that really, truly moves me in some way. I realized a while ago that the music I choose has a huge impact on how well I can stay in the moment without getting insecure.
That’s what I’m doing for now… I wish somewhere around my neck of the woods offered burlesque classes! I think it’s awesome that you’re going outside of your comfort zone. I bet practicing at home, sans mirror, would really boost your confidence. Good luck! Let us know how it goes…
It’s really hard to learn to watch your own body from the inside. Years of ballet training has made me dissociate onto the mirror itself – it’s very difficult to transition from being able to follow myself (and others) in a combination with visual feedback from the mirror, and knowing it for myself without the need for visual feedback. Blindfolding myself has worked sometimes, in that it forces me to look inside my own mind for “what comes next” or what feels right to do. And I second Pocketfemme’s comment about music as a way to stay in your self!
I have this problem less these days than I used to. I started, not for any reason I can remember (in other words, because I’m a camera whore), setting the timer on the camera, posing, and then looking at what happened. I’d done this in front of the mirror for years, but you’re right in that it only gives an outside perspective. Suddenly I was having to listen ONLY to my body, I couldn’t really tell what I was doing at all, but then I was able to see it in the camera and I could match up what I’d felt with what I then saw. I tried the posing-and-closing-my-eyes thing, but it never worked very well for me. Maybe it’ll work better for you, but if not I highly suggest a camera and a timer (or partner!) for help. :D
Speaking of partners — or in this case, a partner in crime — if you have someone who likes taking pics that you feel confident around, that can help, too. I used to dress up in costumes and my little sister would take pictures. She’d say, “lift your chin. Twist this way,” and so on, and I’d follow direction. I figured out pretty quick what sorts of contortions I needed for what kind of strikes. (I was, uh, dressed as comic book characters.) That helped, too. I bet your lady wouldn’t mind… *grins*
J
Hi alphafemme,this is a great post! It immediately made me think of one I wrote back in December, called “Being the Object.” If you have time, you should check it out–especially the comments section. Some interesting analysis of female sexuality.
Objectification is a VERY central aspect of our social conditioning, so it makes sense that we feel more concern for how we *appear* to others than how WE, ourselves, actually FEEL inside our bodies. I wish I had some advice for you, some tricks & tips or something… Recognizing the issue is always the first step, though, isn’t it? Congratulations!
I wouldn’t ditch the mirror entirely. I think sometimes the focus is too MUCH on the mirror (what it looks like) rather than on the body (what it feels like), but I also think it’s very important to sync those two things rather than just ignore one of them.
In my experience of teaching athletes a new skill, many times their visual picture of what their bodies were doing weren’t at ALL matched up with what was actually happening. The use of a little repetition in this area not only improved the form/mechanics, but the athlete’s self-confidence usually skyrocketed in the process. It’s just like any other learning; the more senses you can incorporate, the more likely the body and mind will remember. I think part of the power is in the knowing, not guessing.
Music certainly works to get me “out of my head,” so to speak, but so does moving my body. I feel so alive anytime I’m active, when I feel my heart beat, my muscles tense and my lungs burn.
To everyone:
Guys, you are amazing. These suggestions are all amazing.
Pocketfemme, you are SO RIGHT about the music. That may be my problem, I need to really focus on finding music that makes my body move whether I tell it to or not. Brilliant.
Katya, blindfolding, or at least closing my eyes, seems like a good idea to try to dissociate my image from the reflection in the mirror and learn how to just feel it more in my body. I think a combination of looking in the mirror and saying “yes, that’s what it should look like” and then closing my eyes and saying “and this, this is what it should feel like” is what I need.
JB, YES, CAMERA. I am totally going to recruit mi’lady to snap photos of me all the time now.
UP, how right you are. Images of women and what we’re SUPPOSED to look like are projected all over the place, it’s no wonder we dissociate from our bodies and try to project images so much. And yeah, I think recognizing the problem is the first step towards recovery. It’s a slow and painful (and scary) process, but hell if I’m gonna let it beat me.
G, exactly — like what I said to Katya. Brilliant. And I’m so envious of what you say that moving your body works to get you out of your head. That’s what I WANT, so badly. Right now moving my body (not in general, but in specific contexts, such as, well, burlesque right now) makes me even more IN my head. My goal is to be at a place where it just makes me feel *alive*. Sounds so glorious. I’ll keep working at it :)