Know how the other reacts to adversity, to prosperity, to apathy.

Yes, this is HUGEly important, and part of why we’ve been much slower than many of our friends to consider moving in. (The lesbian U-Haul joke, in my experience lately, applies across the board — to our straight couple friends too!!) We’ve talked quite a bit about various situations that could come up and how we think we’d deal with them, and as you say, there’s no way to know everything, it’s just impossible. But what I do have complete and utter faith in is our ability to listen to each other, *hear* each other, respect each other, and commit to doing the work that needs to be done.

Don’t move in together because it’s a pain in the ass to be apart.

VERY good point. I’ve done a lot of thinking and list-making and meditating and sitting on this to be sure that’s not my primary motivation. It’s perhaps the most *immediately noticeable* motivation, meaning, the little stressful things that come up are the things that most often make me think “god I can’t wait to live together.” And I think stressors are often more visible motivators than happiness. But, every time I see her (which is most nights these days), there are at least several moments (even on nights when we argue or bicker or aren’t being our best) when my heart just swells up and I think, god I love her. And I just want to be WITH her. Live with her. Have our own space. And it makes our set-up now seem so lacking, like it’s just not big enough and doesn’t give us enough space (physical or mental) to expand as much as we can. So, yeah, the primary thing is that, well, we just don’t want to be apart anymore. And that goes into your third cent as well — be together because you can’t bear to be apart.

For us, well, for me anyway, that’s entirely true. I’ve never been as happy as I am with her.

Find out all you can beforehand. Know how the other reacts to adversity, to prosperity, to apathy. Not that these are dealbreakers/makers, but at least then you’ll KNOW before you’re in the same space. That being said, you’re never going to know EVERYthing, which totally freaked me out when I moved in with my ex. I like to RESEARCH, and in the end, it IS a leap of sorts.

Don’t move in together because it’s a pain in the ass to be apart. Don’t ever do anything in a relationship out of convenience (I’m not saying that’s your motivation, I’m just saying). It’s more of a pain in the ass to be stuck and have to move out than it is to have to plan ahead for 24 hours.

A wise person once told me, “Don’t begin a relationship because you like to be together. Begin it because you can’t bear to be apart.” I think the same could be said for moving in together.

I might have given you three cents instead of two. Sorry.

HOWEVER

The coming home to each other, the seeing each other everyday, the fact that she was there and I was there, somehow made it work to an extent.

Funny thing is we are both moving into seperate places March 1st

We agreed that living together was hurting instead of helping the relationship, and you know now my biggest fear is what will our relationship be like when we have seperate spaces, we have both become a bit co-dependent i guess…

as for you, you guys can still move in together just dont begin or continue to do everything together, if you are living with each other you don’t have to be around each other and go out with each other all the time, basically share the space…but also make space for your self and friends..

goodluck and check out my lesbian site
http://www.lez-behonest.com

my personal blog
http://www.alipstickdiary.tumblr.com

1. maintain your own personal financial accounts. shared expenses can come from a joint account — just be sure that you have your own credit cards, checking/savings, etc. no one wants to think about this in the first blush of love/moving in/marriage/etc., but in the event that things happen and it’s not working out, you will be so so glad that you maintained your financial independence. i know most people don’t completely merge finances anymore, but it’s really really important, so bears repeating.

2. having your own space is still a good idea. for a relationship to last, especially if you know you have a tendency toward co-dependence, it is vital that you create space for just you. i think this can happen in all sorts of creative ways, but it boils down to having a place where you’re not automatically accessible to the other person, where they know they need to ask permission to interrupt you. a related point is: don’t forsake your individual pursuits in the honeymoon glow of moving in together. maintaining your individual interests is a good way to make sure you don’t try to merge too much and end up with nothing to do or say but sit silently on the couch together all night.

3. conflicts often escalate in the first brief period after moving in together. that doesn’t mean it was a mistake — it means that your relationship and your individual selves all have to adjust to this new arrangement. you might find that one of you feels like the apartment only reflects the others’ style, and that person feels erased. whatever the topic of conflict may be, it means you have to take extra care to acknowledge each other and make room for each other. you might be arguing about where the bathmat gets hung but it’s really about one person wanting the other to acknowledge that adjusting to shared life is scary.

this unsolicited advice (of course) goes for anyone and everyone.

and — best of luck! this is a really exciting step!