So, we’re talking about moving in together in a few months. We’ve been talking about it in vague terms for the past several months already: “maybe next summer, if we’re still together, we’ll want to live together, and then I’d NEVER have to be mad about dishes piling up in the sink because you’re good at doing dishes!” and “if we’re living together, we’ll be paying less rent, so maybe I can afford to leave my job a few months early.” That sort of thing. And neither of us had really dared to bring it up in a serious way, until this past week, because, well, it’s kind of big and scary. And also vaguely far away. Someday. (Doesn’t summer always seem far away in the middle of winter?)
But the truth is, it’s not all that far away. I’ll know about grad school within a month, and I will probably leave my job by two months later, and will be starting graduate school (hopefully) within three months after that. And my calendar is filling up already for things happening in May, June. And it was when I realized that I’ll be in New York and Massachusetts for 2-3 weeks at the end of May/beginning of June for my college reunion and some family and friend visiting that I realized, um, yikes, maybe we’d better actually have that serious conversation about moving in together. Because I’m not going to be around for a large chunk of May, rendering a June move-in difficult, and she’ll be gone for part of July, and then we’re both travelling to her sister’s wedding in August, and then my classes start… which leaves May 1 and July 1 as our options, really, and for several reasons I won’t bore you with here, May 1 seems a better fit for me.
And, well, May 1 is kind of soon. Not omg-we-need-to-start-apartment-hunting soon. But soon. Omg-we-need-to-really-consider-what-we’re-getting-ourselves-into-and-are-we-ready-to-take-this-step-and-what-does-this-mean soon. I think we’re both simultaneously really fucking excited and really fucking scared. I feel a bit like how I feel about maybe leaving my job if I don’t get into grad school (and thus face immense uncertainty). It feels so right, and thinking about it makes me so happy and so excited, and when I really think about it I want to do it, like, tomorrow, but then I freeze up, like, but what if it doesn’t work? Things are fine the way they are, aren’t they? You’re not unhappy or anything, why tempt fate? It could be disastrous, what if you’re really not as ready as you think you are…
I don’t know, you know? I worry about some of my tendencies, and wonder whether really I need more time to work them out living separately before I’m surrounded by her and us all the time. I worry about my control-freak micro-managing ways; I worry about her messiness. I worry that those two things are a horrible combination, and wonder if the reason they work alright now is that we each have our own space and so I can be the boss of mine and she can be the boss of hers. I worry about my tendency towards co-dependency, and if I don’t have a space to call my own, will I lose track of my self? Will we be able to make space for our selves and for each other? I worry about being able to strike a comfortable balance of shared responsibility for our space, given my high attention to detail in household matters and her relative leniency. And, I don’t know, what if we lose the spark? What if we get boring, stop being interesting to each other? I’m afraid of taking each other and our time together for granted. I want it all to still be special.
And as I was writing all that there was the other little voice in my head saying “but! but! but!”, countering everything there with other (happier) thoughts. Like that if we can deal well with our current situation (and we do), then of course we’ll be able to handle living together, and in fact much of what’s hard now might (even probably will) be easier. Right now, though we each have our own individual space, we don’t have our own couple space. We can’t just come home from work and cook dinner and chill, read together, watch a movie while cuddling, then get distracted and start hooking up in the middle. We can’t do that because there are always roommates around. So in a way, our sexuality is quashed. Then, also, living out of two separate apartments is a drag, to say the least. I always have to be thinking a day or two ahead when I know I’ll be over there, and even though I generally have clothes over there, there are still shoes and makeup and computer and whatever my plans are the day after (burlesque? dinner with friends? show?) to be thinking of. And toting around. Cooking is harder to plan ahead for, and is more expensive, because we’re dealing with two pantries and two refrigerators.
Mostly, and maybe this is boring, but I don’t care if it is, mostly I just want to be able to spend time together not doing anything. I want to be able to come home late after an evening of being busy and have her there, working on her music, and I want to kiss her hello, throw some leftovers on the stove, and plop down on the sofa with a good book or some writing ideas and each do our own shit together, and then eventually get distracted by each other’s presence and fuck on the living room floor before crashing into bed and briefly sharing the highlights (or lowlights) of our days with each other as we drift off into snuggly slumber.
That’s what I want. I guess I’d like to take the leap of faith; we’ve done well so far with circumstances that aren’t always easy. Living together certainly won’t be easy either, I’m sure of it. We’re two people. There will always be conflict. It will be different conflict from what we have now, to be sure, but won’t that also be fun? Figuring out how to navigate a whole new set of situations? An adventure. In love.
Scary as fuck. But honestly, I think the thing I’m scared of most is that I’m less scared than she is. I want her to want this and believe in this as much as I do. What if she doesn’t? What would that mean?
I guess it’s probably time to have that conversation, yeah?
You can’t control her feelings on it so don’t fixate on that, your focus is you. Plus, if she sees you all calm, it will most likely alleviate a lot of her fear.
Moving in with gf was the easiest thing in the world. I was more worried than I let on because, well, the fall is always more painful the higher up you get. Does that make sense? I learned to quiet my mind and see just what was in front of me – and I never looked back. Sometimes jumping doesn’t require a whole bunch of thought. Let your instincts lead you and put your focus on the spontaneous hot sex. :)
“I’m afraid of taking each other and our time together for granted. I want it all to still be special.” – This was my biggest worry for sure. I swear, after all this time, it has never been more special than it is now. You will share a home together and that alone brings you closer.
Greg, thanks for that. I love your gentle reminders that my focus is me, and that’s all I need to worry about. And your assurance that moving in together isn’t hard at all :) But, yes, you articulate the fear exactly — “the fall is always more painful the higher up you get.” I guess I just need to remember too that the extra height brings extra-beautiful views that I can’t see from only partway up! If that extended metaphor still makes sense :)
oh, you put it all into words so well. partly, i mean, what i remember from when we moved in together, but, really, this is exactly what i’m afraid of and excited about *right now.* even though we bought a freaking house together a year ago, and, oh yeah, are getting freaking married.
but. she’s moving from a 12-hour, crazy-days night shift to an ordinary 9-5ish job like mine soon. i’m desperately excited “to spend time together not doing anything” – but part of me is just terrified of all the things you listed there.
so, good luck! i’ll try not to panic with you =) that said, moving in together really actually did make *everything easier* and, really, nothing harder (because even though she’s kind of a slob, living apart made us so busy that it turned *me* into a slob too, which was totally more frustrating ;)
oh good, we can be partners-in-not-panicking!
I moved in with Jess a few months after meeting her. Her roommate had graduated and she offered me the extra room. Part of the reason I did the was it was much cheaper to live with her then in the dorms. The other reason was with an apartment I can live at school all year around. No going home and packing/repacking every break. I’m glad I moved in with her. It helped us really get to know each other better. The funny thing is I have my own bedroom at the apartment. We wanted to keep things separate when we first moved in since our relationship was new. About a month later I just started sharing her bed and have been sleeping with her ever since. If you plan on staying in a relationship then moving is going to be your next step at some point. You might as well do it if you feel ready. If you survive the living together then it will prepare you for the next steps of your relationship.
Hope it works out for you………..Kara XOXO
New things are always scary, and it’s especially scary putting yourself out there and not knowing how the other person feels. But you’ve trusted her this far: trust that whether or not she’s ready, the two of you will make the right decision together. *hugs!*
I lived with my boyfriend for a year, and while there were new issues that cropped up and we had to resolve, it was remarkably just like dating and settling in as a couple — only now you have the practice of solving problems. ;) If it’s the right time, then have the talk. Things will work out, even when they don’t work out like you expect. ;)
J
Well, I can totally relate to your feelings, as I’ve been having some of the same ones myself, and B and I have been having somewhat similar conversations. The truth is though, it IS a pain in the ass to live a part – I especially relate to when you talk about just coming home and being able to do nothing together.
It is scary, but it’s also exciting. You’ll never know if you don’t try. Life’s too short, you know?
I’m excited for you two :)
I’m really messy. Clean, but messy. Q is really organized. She and her cat are both OCD about tidying stuff up.
We weren’t planning on moving in together for another year, but moving to AZ really put a deadline on that one.
So not only did we have to make our styles work, but also integrate her cat, and my two.
It was a little tough, but it was a good thing. Worse comes to worse, if it doesn’t work, you go back to living in your own place. But I have faith in you, that you can make it work.
See you tonight!
Sorry, this is entirely off-topic, but I’m trying to introduce cats just now and am feeling a bit discouraged about it (the former cat is terrified of the new cat, who seems completely unaware of Former Cat until they come nose-to-nose). Any tips or words of encouragement?
First off: You’re coming to NY in the spring? I can make new things now, so you should come back for dinner (one of them is even vegetarian, if your lady’s coming or if H. is around).
Second off: Moving in IS a big step, and I never did much thinking about it because of C and my life situation. It was silly to think he’d move all the way to NY for me and would have to get his own apartment. The space issue, though, I understand. One wants a room of one’s own. That said, the whole apartment ends up being one’s own, and the other’s own. If you find the need to flee, you can go into the bedroom and close the door, or into the bathroom for a long soak (I would encourage you to stay away from studio apartments). When I can’t stand C any more, I go into the room where he is not, and that is enough.
Yes! I’m coming! End of May, presumably. Not sure if the sister will be there, since she’ll have just graduated from college and all. Perhaps? But I will, in any case. I’ll keep you informed.
“The whole apartment ends up being one’s own, and the other’s own.”
^ That’s what I was hoping! And honestly, I think that sounds nicer than the way it is now, where I share with a roommate, and really just MY room is mine, and the rest isn’t.
Moving into together can be a fantastic thing — I’ve done it with two of my previous girlfriends (for two totally different reasons). You tendencies & her tendencies are already there … I’m sure you’ve seen then when you stay over or she stays over. You’ve caught a glimpse & already know a bit of what to expect. So I wouldn’t worry about that … unless you were only dating two weeks & rented a U-Haul, then I’d worry.
But if you’re both going to be traveling so much & going through some work/school changes why not wait until things are settled? Speaking from experience, moving into together & then being going for x-amount of days is really hard on both people. And it’s kind of a waste of money to have a place but not be there. Moving into together could be one more thing to have to balance amongst a ton of other things. And think, if you chose to move in after all is settled you’ll be much more calm, peaceful and be able to really enjoy your time together … be it cooking or on your living room floor. ;-)
Well, if we move, it will actually be *saving* us a lot of money (I pay $900/month right now for one bedroom in a 2-bedroom flat with a roommate; if mi’lady and I share a 1-bedroom, we could each be paying $600). And since I’ll be presumably leaving my job at the end of May, it would be really, really helpful for me to be paying less rent. And for her, she’s trying to save as much money as possible for her band. And anyway when I’m gone for 2 weeks in May, I’d rather be gone from a place where I’m paying $600 than a place where I’m paying $900…
And our summer isn’t really as busy as it sounds — it’s just that when you move, you really need the whole month prior to look at places, sign a lease, pack, clean, et cetera. And we won’t really have that again until the fall, and by then I’ll already be in class!
But I hear you on the being-gone-right-after-moving thing. We’d probably have 3 weeks or so together if we move in May, before I’d go to the east coast. Maybe that’s enough time to get used to the space together?
You put everything so well about what you fear and what you want from moving in together! I know your lady must appreciate your amazing level of self-awareness :) If I may make a random-seeming recommendation, related to the conflict that you foresee coming up in sharing a space with someone 24/7 – read the book “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson. It looks cheesy, in parts it is cheesy, there is some gendered language for all that it tries to be neutral on sexual orientation. It really helped me see clearly how much of my fighting with partners was about wanting to be loved and accepted and safe. I think it would be useful for anyone going into a more-intense phase of their relationship…
Thanks for the recommendation — I’ll have to take a look at that. I really like reading books that I feel just *speak* to me and my general insecurities or whatnot. It’s a scary step but the truth is, people do it all the time!!
i’m chiming in here with a sort of a remember-to-take-care-of-yourself perspective. there’s some things everyone should think about when moving in with someone, which maybe you have covered already, but just in case:
1. maintain your own personal financial accounts. shared expenses can come from a joint account — just be sure that you have your own credit cards, checking/savings, etc. no one wants to think about this in the first blush of love/moving in/marriage/etc., but in the event that things happen and it’s not working out, you will be so so glad that you maintained your financial independence. i know most people don’t completely merge finances anymore, but it’s really really important, so bears repeating.
2. having your own space is still a good idea. for a relationship to last, especially if you know you have a tendency toward co-dependence, it is vital that you create space for just you. i think this can happen in all sorts of creative ways, but it boils down to having a place where you’re not automatically accessible to the other person, where they know they need to ask permission to interrupt you. a related point is: don’t forsake your individual pursuits in the honeymoon glow of moving in together. maintaining your individual interests is a good way to make sure you don’t try to merge too much and end up with nothing to do or say but sit silently on the couch together all night.
3. conflicts often escalate in the first brief period after moving in together. that doesn’t mean it was a mistake — it means that your relationship and your individual selves all have to adjust to this new arrangement. you might find that one of you feels like the apartment only reflects the others’ style, and that person feels erased. whatever the topic of conflict may be, it means you have to take extra care to acknowledge each other and make room for each other. you might be arguing about where the bathmat gets hung but it’s really about one person wanting the other to acknowledge that adjusting to shared life is scary.
this unsolicited advice (of course) goes for anyone and everyone.
and — best of luck! this is a really exciting step!
GREAT advice, FG. We’re not talking merging finances *at all*, but that was a good reminder that we’ll need to talk about shared expenses and that kind of thing. And the reminder that we do need to have our own space — spot on. She’s a performing musician, so she’ll have her own music corner/studio space, and I’ll have my piano as mine as well as my writing desk… and we’ll have to make sure that each of our own personal areas has plenty of its own space around it. (The issue that space is hard to come by in San Francisco is another issue entirely…)
You’ve gotten very good advice thus far. I’ll add this: I was married for 8 years and The Ex & I didn’t lose the passion and the excitement of Us until we had a tragedy that just sapped everything out of us & that’s what led to the split. We had our life and we each had our own – it’s completely possible to have that and completely possible to avoid Lesbian Bed Death. If you decide to do it, I’ll bet it will be great. I loved being married & though I’m not ready *yet*, I know I will want to be married again. Good luck, you!
Oh yay, it’s possible! So moving in won’t automatically mean we become boring take each other for granted. I guess there’s always that possibility that something will happen that will cause us to separate (like in your case), but to go around protecting ourselves against a mere possibility seems foolish, and way too guarded. It’s like greg said, the fall is harder the higher up you go. But the views are better from the top :)
so can i tell you my personal lesbian living experience. My girlfriend and I decided to live together, and it was probably a huge mistake. We each had our own seperate places and decided to move in together, and what started out great ended in disaster. We started to get irritated with each other, having disagreements on things married couples should be fighting for.
HOWEVER
The coming home to each other, the seeing each other everyday, the fact that she was there and I was there, somehow made it work to an extent.
Funny thing is we are both moving into seperate places March 1st
We agreed that living together was hurting instead of helping the relationship, and you know now my biggest fear is what will our relationship be like when we have seperate spaces, we have both become a bit co-dependent i guess…
as for you, you guys can still move in together just dont begin or continue to do everything together, if you are living with each other you don’t have to be around each other and go out with each other all the time, basically share the space…but also make space for your self and friends..
goodluck and check out my lesbian site
http://www.lez-behonest.com
my personal blog
http://www.alipstickdiary.tumblr.com
Thanks for the comment! We both have very separate lives and activities, and so we’ll have *plenty* of time away from each other. It’s really good to be aware of, though. That we need to make sure we have enough breathing room that we don’t just irritate each other. (Luckily I think we know each other well enough by now to be prepared for the kinds of things we know we’ll get irritated by.)
I’m not trying to repeat things that peeps have already said .. but I’d advise a few things:
Find out all you can beforehand. Know how the other reacts to adversity, to prosperity, to apathy. Not that these are dealbreakers/makers, but at least then you’ll KNOW before you’re in the same space. That being said, you’re never going to know EVERYthing, which totally freaked me out when I moved in with my ex. I like to RESEARCH, and in the end, it IS a leap of sorts.
Don’t move in together because it’s a pain in the ass to be apart. Don’t ever do anything in a relationship out of convenience (I’m not saying that’s your motivation, I’m just saying). It’s more of a pain in the ass to be stuck and have to move out than it is to have to plan ahead for 24 hours.
A wise person once told me, “Don’t begin a relationship because you like to be together. Begin it because you can’t bear to be apart.” I think the same could be said for moving in together.
I might have given you three cents instead of two. Sorry.
Hey, three cents makes me richer than two cents, so I’ll take all you got!
Know how the other reacts to adversity, to prosperity, to apathy.
Yes, this is HUGEly important, and part of why we’ve been much slower than many of our friends to consider moving in. (The lesbian U-Haul joke, in my experience lately, applies across the board — to our straight couple friends too!!) We’ve talked quite a bit about various situations that could come up and how we think we’d deal with them, and as you say, there’s no way to know everything, it’s just impossible. But what I do have complete and utter faith in is our ability to listen to each other, *hear* each other, respect each other, and commit to doing the work that needs to be done.
Don’t move in together because it’s a pain in the ass to be apart.
VERY good point. I’ve done a lot of thinking and list-making and meditating and sitting on this to be sure that’s not my primary motivation. It’s perhaps the most *immediately noticeable* motivation, meaning, the little stressful things that come up are the things that most often make me think “god I can’t wait to live together.” And I think stressors are often more visible motivators than happiness. But, every time I see her (which is most nights these days), there are at least several moments (even on nights when we argue or bicker or aren’t being our best) when my heart just swells up and I think, god I love her. And I just want to be WITH her. Live with her. Have our own space. And it makes our set-up now seem so lacking, like it’s just not big enough and doesn’t give us enough space (physical or mental) to expand as much as we can. So, yeah, the primary thing is that, well, we just don’t want to be apart anymore. And that goes into your third cent as well — be together because you can’t bear to be apart.
For us, well, for me anyway, that’s entirely true. I’ve never been as happy as I am with her.