I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit lately. What makes me femme specifically, as opposed to just feminine, more generally. I guess another way of posing this question would be: what makes Queer Femme different from Straight? This has been inspired, partly, by some discussion on other blogs (see, for example, Sinclair’s four-part series on masculinity, Dear Diaspora’s post on “butches are not men,” and Packing Vocals on being a gentleman) regarding female butch masculinity and the transmasculinity “spectrum” (I use the word spectrum largely because I’m not sure what other word to use, though I’m not really comfortable with calling anything queer or gender-related a spectrum), and, among other things, what sets it apart from cismale masculinity. These kinds of discussions naturally led me to pondering what sets queer femininity apart from straight cis femininity.
This has also been inspired, though, by my own gradual “coming out” as femme, a process which has been unfolding for the past year and a half or so; with burgeoning self-awareness comes the revealing of a whole realm of possibility regarding what femme can mean, and I’m still (maybe always will be) trying to figuratively pick through and identify what works for me and what doesn’t.
So, for example. Jewelry is not really my thing. It’s not that I dislike it, but rather more that I don’t have strong feelings for it. I don’t get excited by sparkles and shiny things, really, and while I can certainly appreciate a pretty pair of earrings (and do wear them from time to time), I’ve decided that accessorizing with gems’n'things is an aspect of femininity that I’m fine with setting aside (for now, anyway).
Shoes, on the other hand, are a comPLETEly different story. I. LOVE. SHOES. It is an unfortunate love affair, because shoes are not cheap, even if one does one’s best to only buy them when they’re marked down. I’m sorry, but when I pass a gazillion shoe stores every week in my wanderings, how can I not get giddy? In fact, you should be congratulating me that I only own about three dozen pairs. I could easily own hundreds. And the kind of shoes I love are decidedly feminine. Heels, bows, colors, peep-toes, sex-on-stilettos. So there is a characteristic of femininity that I unabashedly own.
There are others, obviously, but there are also many more, I’m know, that I’m still working through. There are a few right off the top of my head that I can think of, and maybe these are even little femme-goals of mine for the near future. Some of them frivolous, others less so:
1) find *my color* of lipstick (you know what I mean, right?)
2) get a tattoo (I’ve got several ideas but need to settle on one and on where) (maybe this will be a separate post soon, because I have oh-so-much to say about tattoos and queer femininity)
3) learn better how to shop thrift stores, because about half my wardrobe is out-dated and I want more skirts, dammit! I now have like three that I wear on a rotating basis.
4) invent a signature cocktail! It will be called The Alphafemme, duh. And it will be fizzy and fruity. That much I can guarantee.
5) get into a regular exercise routine. I want to get back into yoga, which I really miss, and I’m also considering a hip hop dance class.
Those are just five, and there are more, but you see? All of those things, to me, in their different ways, mean femme. What I love is that femme means something totally different for everyone who identifies that way, and femininity can be performed, intentionally or unintentionally, in infinite ways. But I guess what I’m curious about, to bring this back around to my initial question, is: any girl could write the same list I just wrote, and out of the context of this blog, where HI I’M GAY, you wouldn’t know if she were queer. So, are there things that belong specifically to queer femininity? Or at least, do they mean something different as an aspect of queer femininity than they do as an aspect of non-queer femininity?
What is it about femmes that distinguishes our femininity from that of straight women? Whether you think it’s a je ne sais quoi or something very specific, I’d love to hear what you think.
So, the title of this post is misleading, I know. It makes it look like I’m going to NAME what I think are markers of queer femme. But instead, I’m copping out and asking you, because the truth is I don’t know.
I LOVE SHOES and skirts and dresses and earrings and cooking and babies and puppies and makeup and perfume. I don’t like pink or squealing gaggles of girls or acting helpless or not being able to kick ass on my own thank you very much.
I have no idea how this makes me different from any other feminine women, straight or gay!
Great question.
Yeah I’m not much of a pink person either. Come to think of it, I don’t like any pastel colors really. They’re too washed out. I like BOLD colors!
“I guess another way of posing this question would be: what makes Queer Femme different from Straight?”
I think it would be the loving women part.
I know you didn’t intend this, but the beginning and ending almost reads like your saying that some Femmes or Feminine Lesbians are somehow straight, trying to be straight, or should be seen as straight because of their style preferences.
You’re right, I certainly don’t intend to imply that femmes are trying to be straight or should be seen as straight. Since I *am* femme, and am clearly *not* straight, that’s actually about the furthest thing from my mind. I sort of hope that’s a given.
I’m not saying or trying to imply in any way that there NEEDS to be a difference between queer and straight femme (other than the loving women part, as you point out!). And yet: many queer women—butch, femme, dyke, genderqueer, etc.—insist that they can *see* queer femininity. To put it simply, we ping people’s gaydar. And what I’m curious about is why? How? What makes us ping you that straight women don’t? Can you just *tell* that we love women by the way we walk? Or is there something … else?
That’s what I’m asking. I’m not looking to be convinced that queer femme and straight femme are different, and I’m not worried that I as a femme woman am the same as a straight woman. But rather, as I grow into my femme identity and look around me at other queer femmes, I find myself wondering, well, what makes my femininity queer? *Other* than the obvious loving women part?
May well be a stupid question, and I’m *sure* there’s no single answer (if for no other reason than that femme means something different to everybody who owns the identity). I’m just interested in people’s thoughts :)
Somebody please tell me how to ping people’s gaydar? Pretty please?
Well, the questions you pose let me feel sort of… useful. I am, as you know, straight, and I often feel funny commenting on your blog because I feel I don’t have much to offer or that some of your readers might take offense that a straight lady is daring to comment on the intricacies and difficulties of queer life.
It’s funny, though, because reading your blog has allowed me to define a lot in my own relationship, even though my relationship is with a dude and all of his dangly genitalia. I’ve started thinking of myself as more-femme-than-not, but definitely sub, because you gave me those words, but I never realized that those words were meant to be specific to single-sex relationships. ALL women, especially today, have questions about where they should fall in the gender-expression spectrum, even if they prefer outies to innies. I’ve known straight women who could be described as butch. The point is, though, and what your blog has told me, is that I’m not weird for wanting to cook for my lover in today’s world of female liberation, that perhaps my tendency to prefer being dominated in sex is not a sign of my self-repression or being brainwashed by society, but just the my particular way of feeling powerful (the boyfriend, by the way, wishes I were not so). I realize I fall into a stereotype, but it’s ME, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
So I don’t think gender-expression questions are typically queer issues, but I think it’s easier to notice, maybe, just because your situation, being different from what society automatically expects, REQUIRES more exploration and questioning (by this I mean that I was raised with the notion that I was going to meet a boy and fall in love and I DID, you were raised to think the same thing but, instead, met a girl, and found that boys weren’t all that interesting, so while I fall comfortably into a societal niche, you’ve got to dig yours out yourself).
I think, actually, that in my babbling I got away from your real question. The point of the babbling is, though, that I didn’t think about these things (relative to my own situation) until I started reading your blog, and I’m glad I’ve started thinking about them, even though I’m in a relationship with a dude, not a lady.
Oh man, these issues are TOTALLY relevant to straight folks as well, and I’m so glad that you’ve found my writing useful in that way! Yes, I think you’re completely right about my gender issues being easier for me to notice because I’m queer, so I had to dig out my niche, or at least search for it more closely and intentionally. And in many ways, I think being a women-loving queer has made me feel more able to wiggle around a bit in my gender identity without necessarily worrying that I was a repressed anti-feminist.
But my opinion is that not only are these gender and gender-expression issues *relevant* to straight folks, but in fact is every bit as useful/necessary (if not more so) as for queer folks. Then we’d *all* be thinking more about questions like what makes me happy? who am I really? what are my needs? and how can I make sure they’re met? And that type of self-awareness can only be good.
Yes, I like perfume. Yes, I wear skirts. Yes, I own more than one shade of lipstick. But those are not the reasons I claim the label ‘femme.’ For me it’s about far, far more than appearance. Society as a whole sees certain traits – vulnerability, gentle behavior, softness – and makes assumptions about who I am, my gender identity, my sexual identity. Other personality traits – intelligence, strength, passion, stubbornness – are either dismissed outright or used as proof that I am less than a ‘normal’ woman. Within the lesbian community, my intelligence, strength, passion and stubbornness are celebrated, but my vulnerability, gentle behavior, softness (and, yes, the perfume, skirts and lipstick) are often derided as closeted or not feminist or fauxbian. ‘Femme’ is about being proud of all those aspects of who I am. I am smart and passionate and strong, but I can also be vulnerable and gentle and soft. I can hold my own in a discussion about the latest news, and I can also appreciate the beauty of a well-designed dress. I am not afraid of the power of who I am, and I do not relinquish that power lightly. I am gentle enough to bend to the strength of those I love, and strong enough to carry them when they need it. That, for me, is what ‘femme’ is.
A lot of this resonates with me. Thanks Tamra :)
I’ve been thinking about this, too, and what I’ve come up with so far is intention and experience. When I say I’m femme, I mean that I actively choose to cultivate and celebrate the aspects of “feminine” that I feel align with my feminist, queer self.
I think that inherent in the identity of “femme” is an intention to take apart and refashion femininity in such a way that being a girl doesn’t hurt, to paraphrase Leah Lakshmi Piepzna’s keynote at the Femme Conference. I also think that being queer or lesbian is crucial to the definition(s) of femme, because it is in the context of our queer or lesbian selves that we relate to and experience our gender, our femininity. In my own life, sexuality and gender have informed one another. My sexual, cultural, and interpersonal experiences as a queer woman have strongly influenced my relationship with my femininity.
I’m sure there are many straight women, feminists, who have thought about their femininity and consciously chosen to honor it. But I can’t think of these women as femme, because our experience of femininity is different. When I walk around in the world, my feminine presentation causes me to be read as straight. In some ways, the idea of femme invisibility explains the difference between feminine straight women and femmes because it describes how femmes, in expressing femininity as queer women, come up against heteronormative expectations. This struggle, to be understood as a dyke or queer woman and to ALSO be understood as a feminine creature, is also at the heart of femme identity.
I’m not sure I’ve written this as clearly as I’d like, but I’m still thinking my way through this question. This is all I’ve got so far, but I’m looking forward to hearing other ideas!
THIS. YES. THIS.
I was sure intention had to have something to do with it. And I love LOVE Leah Lakshmi Piepzna’s definition. Spot on. And that the difference between femme intentional femininity and straight female intentional femininity would be the struggle to be understood as both queer and feminine.
So perfectly put, thanks.
I don’t know how helpful my comment will be because I am straight, but I do like that you ask this question. I agree that there is a different experience in performing femininity being queer or straight, absolutely. yet, in reading blogs, I feel much more comfortable and more “heck yeah” with femme blogs, those who recognize the choice about the performance and who advocate thinking and picking what you’re willing to do than straight “femininity blogs” which all seem to be about being quiet, never contradicting your man, and never letting people see you as smart/competent. I don’t think there’s always such a huge difference. picking and choosing and refashioning to make you happy isn’t limited to queer women. and I don’t know what to do with that-I respect that femme is claimed for an identity that isn’t mine. but saying that all straight women are feminine doesn’t work for me either. I do agree that loving women is key, and I’ve heard the same thing about gaydar-I can go out and hang out with queer friends, but really almost never get hit on by women. I clearly don’t set it off. and I don’t know why.
“picking and choosing and refashioning to make you happy isn’t limited to queer women”
Absolutely true. But coming from my own experience, I think it was easier for me to arrive at this place of intentionality once I’d come out as queer, and then as femme. It’s like identifying as queer allowed me the freedom to be intentional about my femininity. Which certainly isn’t to say that identifying as queer is the *only* way of allowing that intentionality!!
I think it’s interesting that you identify with and relate more to queer femme blogs. Could be we just have more of an active blogging community. Whatever the case, I’m glad to hear from you :)
I wasn’t trying to say that being queer doesn’t matter in that intentionality. I’m sure it does. I don’t think you are the only one to experience that order of arrival. and getting rid of the idea that the point of femininity is to attract a man is a significant difference I see in the blogs.
Well, I took my girlfriend to work in the middle of writing my comment, and then I came back and hit submit. Then I read your comment about the intention of the post, and now I feel silly!
My femme markers (at least I hope), so far, are:
* My hair. I finally found a pretty, 20s style cut for my curly hair, and I have very queer bangs. Best haircut ever.
* My glasses. They’re black, kinda Lisa-Loebish, and I’ve had them for years. I think they’re femme. Also, I’m fond of over-the-glasses looks, all sorts of ‘em. I shoot flirty looks over my glasses at random lesbians I see around to identify myself as queer.
* Red lipstick. I don’t have a perfect shade, but I do have a nice variety. I loved that “how to apply red lipstick” video linked at Sugarbutch (I think…) a while ago. It’s a lovely little ritual.
* Back seam hose. It turns me on to wear them. I’m not sure if they’re a femme marker, but I want them to be.
* My boots. I have these old style, lace up black combat/come-fuck-me boots. I actually am woefully low on shoes, but even if I had a ton to choose from, I’d wear these out a lot. They are just the right combination of “femme” and “dyke.”
Obviously this is NOT a universal list, but these are the things that I hope help identify me as femme.
Don’t feel silly! The intention of my post was to hear things like your first comment and this comment. Both. Absolutely. In my comment in reply to Anon, above, I was mostly trying to state that the intention was NOT to imply that femme = straight.
I’m not looking for reassurance that I’m queer. I’m just trying to figure out what makes queer femininity, well, *queer*. And BOTH of your comments answer that.
And that’s a great little list of femme markers.
I’m way late to the game but can I see this haircut?! I have curly hair and finding a cute queer ‘cut has been impossible! And I’m about to go cut my hair so it’d be really useful.
oh my dear, how you’ve hit the nail on the head once again! I’m at work, so I can’t really post all I have to say on this subject, but I too am intrigued as to the ‘markers’ of femme and for me I’m interested into how that also translates in my own QWOC communities. That interest plus my reaction to the post in which someone tried to ‘gender police’ you inspired the photo project that I’m working on here in LA and it will actually be an art show that will open on Feb 20th! I’m so excited and with every person that comes in to shoot, my eyes are open more and more to the diversity of our community!
xoxo
OH YES, I’ve actually been thinking a lot about markers of femininity, and how they privilege WHITE femininity. I would so love to hear about this same thing from a QWOC perspective. There is so much blog-worthy stuff in this. Maybe I’ll tap into it.
And man, I wish I could see that photo project!! Will any of it be online?
Yes soo much blog-worthy stuff!! I wish I had more time for it! I think that I’ll most def spotlight some of the images on my blog and maybe add my curatorial statement to the mix :) I think also it would be good to look at the perspective of working class vs upper class (like what the markers are there and do they change based on class privilege regardless of race) so many things to think about eh?
This is such a great topic!
I consider myself a queer femme without a doubt, among other things. When I think queer I think, aware of lgbtq politics-active in the lgbtq scene-usually sex positive-.
I also feel like queer femmes tend to push boundaries on what is feminine and what isn’t and make a path to define it for themselves. You know, wearing baggy boy pants with a super tight shirt and feminine heels. This book ( Femmes of Power : Femmes of Power ) is the first thing I think of when I think of queer femme.
As for me as a queer femme, when I dress in the heels and the shoes and the makeup, I realize and know that I am dressing up. I am playing a game. When walking down the street there is a distinct difference between a woman being a woman / and a woman playing a at being a woman. The later will usually become more flirtatious, working the dress, the heels. It’s a performance. She’s well aware of the fact that she is being watched and it’s all apart of the game.
I also think queer femmes push femme to the extreme. We’ll do the lashes and cherry bomb lipstick sometimes in an old fashion way. Like a pin up.
A lot of it you just see. There is a difference and it’s written all over the body and not just in the clothes. Hard to describe but it’s an attitude. They way she carries herself. Sometimes a swagger sometimes a strut.
“queer femmes tend to push boundaries on what is feminine and what isn’t and make a path to define it for themselves”
THIS. Wow, yes. Thanks for that. I know exactly what you mean.
Also, thanks for the reminder about that book — it’s funny, I actually read bits of that book in college, when Ulrika Dahl’s wife was my philosophy professor. (Small world!)
Great post and thanks for the shout out. For me one of the major markers of queer femme is inner strength, I think femmes are strong in ways that straight women aren’t.
this makes me think of two sort of baseline definitions i hold in this area (definitions regarding identity are clearly a personal matter, so these are not proscriptive, as i hope you would assume):
femme is a queer gender, but also queer is not strictly gay.
what i mean is that, by my reckoning, femme differs from simply feminine is that it is thought trough and intentional and it is an identity which one claims for oneself. and i think there is something pretty queer about purposeful femininity – whether it’s on a gay girl or a straight girl (or, though not the subject of this discussion, anyone else).
as for markers, i certainly don’t know. i think some folks have markers that are clear(ly queer, if not clearly gay), but it doesn’t make you less femme to not. if that makes sense.
Pardon my stupidity, but what do you mean when you say “queer is not strictly gay”? As a straight lady, I want to make sure I get my terms right when speaking to/about my gay/queer friends. I know Miss Alpha prefers “queer”, but I’d just assumed that was a word preference (in the way that I prefer the word “underwear” to “panties”) but if they’ve got different connotations, and if I’ve possibly been using the word “queer” inappropriately, I’d really like to know.
well, most of all, i would think you are perfectly safe using them interchangeably, and i know many folks do (the main problem i’ve run into here is – generally older – people who have very negative views/experiences of the word queer). other than that, the main difference of connotation to me is that queer is a broader and more openly-defined word. which is why it gets so damn confusing! one of the reasons i tend to use the term queer is that i think it does away with some of the essentialism of “gay” and i like to use it as a way to embrace that most people’s sexuality is much more complex than gay/straight.
as for how to use it “right,” i think respecting what term you know someone prefers is the big deal. if you refer to someone in a way they don’t like because you had no way to know better, well, they’ve got no right in my mind to get their panties(/underwear/boxers) in a twist about it. and then you respect being corrected.
p.s. (sorry i’m being so soapboxy!) this identity/label stuff gets complicated, so don’t think when you get something wrong or don’t get it that it’s ’cause you’re straight – there’s no big gay(or queer!) agreement about it either.
Thanks! No worries about the soapbox, it was hardly there at all. =)
p.s. great discussion! i love everyone’s comments.
I know, it’s such a great discussion!
also, this:
“i think some folks have markers that are clear(ly queer, if not clearly gay), but it doesn’t make you less femme to not”
totally makes sense.
Love this post and the comments.
Maybe it’s because I came to acknowledge my queerness in my thirties, but being femme, for me, is about being feminine in a way that suits ME, and is divorced from any heteronormative expectations about what men might want me to look like or act like. It means that I can wear earrings and lipstick but still sit in a wide-legged slouch. It means I can put on a pretty dress and swear like a sailor. It also means that I can look pinup-style ultra-femme one day and androgynous the next without caring whether that confuses anyone.
Q and I were having a similar discussion the other night when out with a straight friend. Q said something to her about being a Femme, and I took a little offense, but before speaking up, I asked our friend if she identified as a femme.
“Well, I like wearing heels sometimes, and make up, but it’s not like I do it every day.”
This then lead into a conversation of what does femme mean, and the different between femme and feminine. Etc.
But later that night, once she’d gone home, Q and I were still talking about it. She asked me if straight woman could be femmes (similar to a convo had online with other as to whether straight women and men could be butch).
I don’t have an answer. But I want to say no. Why? Because *my* identity is developed around the concept of femme. About being a strong queer woman who has femme wiles, but isn’t feminine per se. About being able to open the door but loving it when Q does it anyways. About being able to cook and then change a tire, all while wearing either jeans/t-shirt or heels and a pencil skirt. To me, femme has become an extension of my queer-ness, a bridge between my orientation and my gender.
And it’s really hard for me to envision someone who hasn’t go through some of the things queer folk go through (disbelief as really being queer, having to fight for our rights, having our emotional and physical safety challenged, having our partners made fun of, etc) still being able to understand and embody that identity.
Does it mean that straight women can’t be femme? Of course not. I’m not the gender police. On the other hand, does it mean I’m uncomfortable with the terminology appropriation, just like I am when I cis-guy tells me he’s “just like all the other dykes I know”? Yes. Very much so.
Yeah, interesting thoughts. I can’t wait for your post on this. I’ve had similar sorts of thoughts about use of the word “femme” and also the word “queer” by straight folks. Just today, my roommate (who’s straight) was talking about how she feels queer in many ways (her attitude towards sexuality, her dislike of heteronormativity, and I think the fact that she’s a POC too so doesn’t fit in with a dominant heterosexual discourse), and I have to be honest, I felt a little bit defensive. This little voice in my head was like, “no! you’re not queer! you can’t call yourself queer!” as if her identifying as queer would somehow erase me.
And I’m still not sure how I feel about it. So, yeah. No conclusive thoughts on that. I’m looking forward to the discussion of it on your blog.
so, i really understand where you’re coming from there (and sometimes i feel a little protective of my terms myself). but in the interest of a good argument, i’m inclined to keep defending the idea of straight femmes ;)
for one thing, you don’t have to be queer to embody a non-traditional/normative type of femininity, which is a lot of what i think femme is about, and what i see in your brief description. but also, i do identify as queer, but i simply haven’t gone through much because of it (i know that makes me crazy lucky – and perhaps a small dash of thick-skinned), so it is near-impossible for me to feel justified saying that there is some sort of life experience involved that you can’t have if you’re straight. i do think that it is *more likely* (because of the things you mentioned, and such) for queers to have *had to* give their gender the kind of thought that i think is required to lead you into an intentional gender like femme.
on the other hand, sometimes i feel like i’m overly accepting in my terminology – i think it is important to acknowledge that there is a point at which a word loses its meaning through dilution.
Hi
I just found your site today and I wanted to comment and give my own experience of coming out as femme.
I think in some ways it’s harder for femmes. I came out at 15 and felt so sure about myself and my sexuality. But that was before I faced the real world and all the kinds of expectations and pressures society would eventually place on me. I have always been so girly – dresses, makeup, etc, etc. I felt out of place in the queer community where I lived, because it seemed I wasn’t “gay enough” for them. Most queer girls I knew were very butch and it was almost like there was something wrong with me. Maybe I was insecure but at the time, it really felt like both het and queer societies thought I was wrong about myself.
I read this really interesting study about femme identity, and the link I have is no longer valid. But it talked about femme identity and the subversive nature of it. Women dressing in a way that is usually reserved to attract the male gaze, but to these women, they intend to attract the female gaze. I sometimes feel like I dress in a hyper-sexualized way to almost challenge people’s ideas of what a feminist lesbian looks like. I feel like by playing with the straight stereotype I challenge people’s preconceptions about queer identity.
It’s been a long journey. I’m 26 now, and honestly, I am so proud of being gay and femme. I feel so comfortable with myself. I feel so home in my lady’s arms and in my girly dresses. But it took 10 years.
Anyways, great blog :)
“I feel so home in my lady’s arms and in my girly dresses. But it took 10 years.”
Yep, it took me a while too. I so relate to that journey. The not being gay enough thing and all. I’ve written some about that on this blog in my archives too — I think you’d relate to a lot of it! Thanks for commenting. I’d be really interested in knowing more about that femme study — do you know who the scholars were?
I have read a few of your archives now and I do relate a lot! I think that the worst part of my journey was that the whole “not gay enough” thing comes from the LBGTQ community. Or at least it did. I think in the past decade there has been a lot of discourse about what gender and sexuality can mean. Even the whole genderf*ck and just queer gender and sexual identities movement I think has really opened up the culture to a less binary system.
I know that even when I felt more secure in my femme identity, I was able to even play with it a bit, and wear a more masculine look once and a while. It’s like I didn’t have anything to prove anymore.
Anyways, after a bit of digging I found the article. It’s called The Misunderstood gender: A model of modern femme identity. And it was published by Sex Roles journal. And here is a link:
http://www.springerlink.com/content/w1038l624424133v/
It really opened my eyes :)
LOL. I love this..and all the replies, from Queer and straight people.
Let’s see…I love skirts,(longish, gypsyish or bohemian type skirts.)Used to hate dresses because of my short arms,(not to disproportiante, but enough it drives me batty to find a dress that fits accurately.) not to mention being a big woman (5’2 and 250 lbs.) and having a large chest.(44DD)But, now that I am learning how to sew, (and lose weight!) The idea of dresses appeals to me again.
I love perfume,(scents from Bath and Body Works..Japanese Cherry Blossom is my current fave.) And Estee Lauder’s Beautiful is when I want to really ‘femme it up’. Jewelry, I love…but I try to keep it to a minimum. (like a earring and necklace set. Depending on what clothes I am wearing, and where I am going and who with, more then that can feel like to much.)
I hate heels. I love the look of them, but my feet can’t deal with them. Thought about trying to learn how to deal with them, But who knows if that would work.
Oh, and I am an awful slob! I find it amusing, that alot of cleaning product/device commercials are still aimed at women.
I wish I knew what to do to ping the gaydar…lol I don’t have a freakin’ clue! though then my luck, it would happen at work, and for various reasons I have NO interest of coming out at work.
I cannot define what would make a visable difference for people to discern a Queer female or a straight. In the ‘straight community’ when it comes to my orientation, I pretty much prefer blending in. I am out to all my friends and some of my family. Visability in the LGBT community? Yeah….would like more there. I am only just coming out as Queer this year,(I am 34)and I am a femme who likes the butches. Unfortunately, I have noticed that with the butches who do like the femmes, like the Ultra/High Femme, and I don’t percieve myself that way. Even if I did get into wearing heels, my hair never looks perfect, I am to broke to go to the salon regularily, for haircuts or mani and pedi’s,(even if I go to the local beauty school, where they give discounts.) and plus…inside all that doesn’t feel like me.
So…whats a moderately femme (as opposed to High femme.) to do?
Well, I’m not a femme, never have been and wont ever be.
But I think the marker that makes someone a “femme” is being gay.
Honestly, all of your lists, however gay, can just be easily adopted by a straight woman, and no one would ever wonder if she were gay. The #1 marker, is being queer.
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I realize I’m coming in wicked late. I’m a femme (well most of the time–every now and then I switch it up and go tomboi) but more importantly, I am a femme with highly developed gaydar. Sometimes femmes definitely do ping my gaydar but I couldn’t tell you why. It has nothing to do with an explicit list of clothing choices or hairstyle, (or maybe it does but it’s subtle?) and everything to do with how they carry themselves. Also how they smile at me if there is a mutual attraction. (Some of that might be in my head lol)
I think it’s easier for butches to make femmes because of how femmes look at them. I know sometimes when I’ve dressed tomboi Ive noticed femmes I wouldn’t have otherwise because I catch them eyeing me or blatantly flirting.