I think perhaps your criticism is ultimately about privilege – at the end of the day “allies” can distance themselves from the causes they’re fighting for: white people can forget about race, straight people can return to their heteronormative lives, etc.
So can anyone really BE an ally if it’s just part-time?

Maybe then ally isn’t an identity, so much as an aspiration. Maybe you’re right that we can never truly be allies, but we can still aspire to act as an ally. Ultimately it’s not a reflection of who you are, not a label or identity, but a verb, an action?

I agree wholeheartedly that it is so important for straight people to do that kind of proactive work. Just like it’s necessary for me as a white person to do the same regarding the histories, literatures, activism and leadership of people of color (for example). And I totally embrace you calling that allyship.

And I’ve been sitting here staring at my blinking cursor trying to pinpoint what it is that still bothers me about that term. I’m not sure I can do it articulately, but I’ll try.

I don’t think people should need the label of the word “ally” to motivate them to do the things you’re talking about, things like interrupting oppressive behaviors and having thoughtful dialogue with others and exploring issues of identity proactively. I do think those things should come out of a sense of human curiosity, a genuine desire to connect, and an openness to learning and changing. So when I talk about just being human, I’m not talking about stepping down from what it means to be an ally. I’m talking about stepping up to what it means to be human. Does that make sense?

I guess my reason for this is that it just isn’t possible to ever be educated enough, active enough, supportive enough to be a real ally, if that’s what being an ally means. I can’t possibly educate myself proactively about all the histories and literatures of people of color, and people with disabilities, and people of marginalized faith, and trans people, and genderqueer people, and poor people, and and and … I mean, fuck, I can’t even master my OWN marginalized identities! And the idea of allyship makes me feel panicky, like I’m not doing enough, because I never CAN do enough. It’s not really possible. If I miss an opportunity to call someone out on using the word “retarded,” am I a bad ally? Maybe. But am I a bad person? No, definitely not. I think that’s your point, that being an ally requires more than being a good person, but I think the problem with that is that it doesn’t allow for failure. And failure is possibly the least motivating thing of all.

I do think that a problem with my thinking is that as of now, “being human” DOESN’T mean being an ally. So a designation is needed for those with whatever kinds of privilege who do actively and proactively fight oppression. (Sorta like how “queer” is a necessary designation now, though many people think an ultimate goal of queer activism and liberation is that everyone is in some way queer.) So practically speaking, I agree with the utility of the term allyship. But as an overarching concept, I still think that humanity, when lived out to its fullest, is really the best that we all can do. Because being a true “ally” isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being real. Human. And I think that in striving towards being a perfect “ally,” many folks forget about that core humanness.

Again, thanks so much for your thoughts. I love talking about this stuff (can you tell?). I fully invite more dialogue, if you have further thoughts on the matter!

But I don’t agree that “just being human” is helpful. The point of encouraging straight people to become allies is that straight people need to be proactive about engaging with queer literature, activism, and leadership. To truly be helpful and supportive, straight people need to leave their comfort zone and actively engage with dialogue that they may not otherwise be exposed to. That means being more than just a good person, but actually committing to self-examination, learning, and taking action.

For example, speaking up when others are being homophobic can be challenging if you’re not prepared. Allies can engage in thoughtful discussion and exploration in advance of those moments, which they otherwise probably wouldn’t do if their goal was to “just be human”.

I’ll admit. This hearing thing took me a while to really, really learn. I’m the person that by nature? Is thinking of my response before you’re ever done speaking. I frame my arguments. I strategize. I outline. That is my instinct.

So I’ve had to really train myself to listen without expectation, and I don’t think I’m alone. It’s a skill to hear someone else without getting defensive or antagonistic, and it takes real practice. Thanks for the reminder of how important that is.

I love the way that you call people out for posing as allies. We (humans) are all too quick to jump on a cause without taking the time to understand and listen to what it is all about. Declaring yourself ALLY is more a way of stating, I’m not against you. This is not what an ally is supposed to be. It is unfortunate that something that should represent tolerance, acceptance, understand has simply become a social fad.

Thank you so much for putting into words something that I have been trying to express for way too long. You allowed me to have open conversations and, honestly, to begin to listen to others a bit more.