your fantasy is exactly how i feel as a femme.
the nurturer, the lady of the house, the one who cooks and cleans and takes care of my partner, the one who gets girlied up to go out.

yet i have the same thought on my brain: am i being co-dependent? i don’t want to be seen as that. i feel like i am a pretty independent person. but in a partnership, i know where i fit in and doing those things just feels natural. it’s the necessary balance i want and need with a partner. i don’t think i could date another femme. i think there would be too much friction if she felt that those roles were what she wanted to do, too. it’d be too competitive. i need the more butch/masculine counterpart. someone who wants and appreciates those things being done for them. someone who doesn’t want that role. someone who can fix something for me when it’s broken, change a flat tire on my car, man the bbq while i make the salad. ;)

thanks for posting this.

But I think there are two problems with that. One: as I said before, I shouldn’t be giving in a way that leaves me empty. And two: I think that kind of vulnerability is important to have, in a way. Because it helps establish trust. If I never open myself up for receiving, I’ll never be able to trust that she’ll give.

Thanks for all the food for thought.

It’s interesting; I can give and give, and I feel power from that. The giving isn’t what makes me feel weak. It’s the receiving, or maybe more specifically opening up to receive. What if I finally let my guard down to receive, and she doesn’t give back? So maybe it’s not the receiving that makes me feel vulnerable as much as it is the want and the hope for receiving? Hmm.

And you’ve hit the nail on the head with the fantasy issue. It’s difficult to say yes, THIS is what I want without sounding like some sort of sexist ass. I want to appreciate what a woman has done specifically with me in mind, and in my opinion, it empowers her from my perspective. It might sound like gender-roling, as you put it, but what if it’s genuinely what two people want? What is wrong with that?To have the woman who could do anything she wanted, but she chose to cook my favorite dinner (in keeping with that theme)? It’s flattering, but it also just reinforces her independence to me.

I’m absolutely fine with owning that it’s what I want; it’s just a little trickier to find someone whose ideas match up with mine.

This is a great discussion. I might try to approach it from the butch perspective over on my blog on of these days.

I’d imagine it’s even more complicated for a butch who has the fantasy of the femme who has your favorite dinner in the oven and your drink ready for you when you get home from work. Because how do you express that fantasy without sounding chauvinist? Even though it’s so clearly not. I’m obviously very grateful for second wave feminism, but part of me is so frustrated with the blinders they had on. The blinders that have made it now taboo to express desires or fantasies that sound like gender-roling.

Anyway, I’m rambling now too, but thanks so much for your comments, and I’ve really enjoyed your blog too (particularly your swoon list!) and was really moved by your post a while ago about fear, and what we would do if we didn’t have fear.

I found your blog through Sinclair’s link, as well. And I couldn’t be happier. I’m always fascinated to read more about the femme experience, because I want to understand more.

And not just that, but I identify with it, but from the butch point of view. It took me a long time to start listening to those prompts in my head, the ones that were telling me all along what I really want and who I really am.

Leave the labeling on this to other people; it’s your identity, so listen to your gut.

I’m also a religious reader of Sugarbutch, and while I also don’t relate, per se, to a lot of what she writes, she definitely does push me to think more deeply about my thoughts on my own identity. Plus it’s just HOT.

I also completely relate to that thirst (albeit on the butch end, of course). I hope you find what you’re looking for.