I’ve been thinking a lot about cocks lately.
And no, I’m not questioning my sexuality, haha, thanks for asking. But I am questioning, well, something. I’m just not sure exactly what it is I’m questioning. Mi’lady and I use cock play (for lack of anything better to call it… is there something better to call it?) a lot when we fuck, in various ways. For example: I strap on and fuck her. I strap on, and she gives me a blow job (SO HOT, oh my god I don’t know if I can think of any image hotter than of my cock in her mouth, and her looking sweetly/seductively up at me). Occasionally, she straps on and fucks me. These are all ways that we use real fake cocks in our sex. (I know, real fake is contradictory, but what I mean is there’s a real cock there, a non-flesh one, a dildo, but it’s a real cock just the same.) These are the more straightforward ways of fucking with cocks, and these are the ways that don’t make me think much beyond HOT! TURNED ON! HOT!
And then there are ways that are more psychological. One of my favorite ways to get off is orally — her tongue has insane endurance and is oh-my-god so so good. There are no words. She is truly the mistress of licking pussy. Except… sometimes (dare I even say often?), when she’s between my legs licking my clit, I pretend she’s sucking my cock. And something about that psychological trick just turns me on so much that I can come really, really fast after that.
And I’m not the only one who does this. The only way mi’lady gets off is with my fingers on her clit (mmmm I love the feeling of her slick hard clit under my fingers…). And one time last week, I was rubbing her clit and she said “how do I feel baby?” “Slick and hard,” I said, “hard like a cock.” And she literally writhed in her sudden new arousal. “Oh baby yeah, jerk my cock,” she moaned, and for the remaining moments until she came, we dirty-talked cock imagery. Imagining that I was jerking her cock was a profound turn-on.
We talked about it afterwards. Though this kind of cock play is really hot and fun, it definitely brings stuff up for me (and for her as well, in similar ways, but I’m just going to speak for myself on my blog). For one thing, I’ve struggled quite a bit with the whole idea of Authenticity in the lesbian “community.” I’m sure I’ll write more about this at some point; I’ve touched on it a bit in my post “On Femininity” (see link under my Favorite Posts, over there on the left). It’s this whole idea that “gold star” lesbians are the most authentic lesbians, and on down the line until women who have sexual/romantic relationships with men as well as women are often peered at in suspicion, and lack total authenticity. (Along with that, I think, is the notion that women who present intentional or unintentional masculinity are automatically more authentic as lesbians, and women who present intentional or unintentional femininity are less authentic.) So, this whole thing of somehow liking cock in sex… especially as a femme-presenting dyke… brings up issues for me of “can I talk about this? will people doubt my sexuality?” And of course, it doesn’t matter whether other people doubt my sexuality. But it feels oppressive all the same.
But something that’s even more unsettling for me, I think, are questions of patriarchy and heteronormativity. Are we just buying into some sort of hetero-paradigm by including the cock in our own man-free sex? Are we in a way proving people right who think that the ultimate sex acts (“real sex”) have to involve a penis? (Clearly there are many things we do that do not involve the cock or any kind of cock play, but hey, those could be just foreplay!) And… do we have penis envy?? Are we proving Freud right? Women just spend our lives trying to make up for a gaping hole (to be utterly literal)? (It might be relevant to point out here that both of us do not identify as trans or genderqueer.)
As I sort of said above, strapping on by itself never raised these questions for me. I’ve never been uncomfortable with the idea of using a cock. It seems so blatantly and purely not straight, so clearly not pretending to be a man — it’s very much its own thing. So strapping on in itself has never seemed to me to be heteronormative or patriarchal. But somehow, imagining that my clit is my cock starts to make me think there’s a line I might be crossing. I don’t know. It’s hard to articulate. And mostly, I still just think it’s hot. But it makes me wriggle the tiniest bit just the same, in some sort of vague discomfort. Luckily, the vague discomfort isn’t enough to make me want to stop.
I think heteronormative also includes a lot of preset limitations and taboos. Part of being bisexual, for me, is embracing the freedom I have to say screw the rules. I’d hate to think that to have sex with a woman, we couldn’t use a cock because for me it has nothing to do with being like a man, it’s the masculinity as a trait in itself, and the physical feeling that comes with using a strap on. And people might doubt you for liking cock play, but they might also do it because you’re femme. For a community that gets discriminated against as a whole, people in it seem pretty comfortable making each other feel left out within it. It’s a question of sexual pleasure, and you have nothing to prove to anyone. And sexual things don’t always translate into real life things, either.
oh totally, the thing about questioning queer women who like to use cocks in sex with other women… has everything to do with gender presentation.
everything just has to fit into neat little boxes.
*If it’s a femme who likes getting fucked with a cock, it’s “oh, she must actually be straight.”
*If it’s a butch/boi/any-presentation-other-than-femme who likes to strap on and fuck with a cock, it’s “oh, she must want to be a man” or, for the slightly more gender literate, “oh, she must be trans.”
*And if it’s a femme who likes strapping on and fucking with a cock, it’s “OH MY GOD, MY HEAD IS IMPLODING, THIS CANNOT BE POSSIBLE.”
*Ditto if it’s a butch/boi/any-presentation-other-than-femme who likes to be on the receiving end of sex with a cock.
And these are actually things that get said WITHIN the queer community! @^%!%$%#!
This is a gorgeous piece of writing…
Isn’t part of having pride in our sexuality about accepting, without internal contempt, the inward discourse about what turns us on? Isn’t that the thing that makes gay sex better than straight sex? ;)
Seriously, though, I think the beauty of girl-on-girl action lies in the amount of freedom it inherently offers. (That, and the lack of chest hair is assuredly a beautiful thing.) And I think that if you find your mind wandering into fantasyland, (you’re fantasizing about your clit being a cock) it’s most likely indicative of the safety level you feel with your’lady, and that is the thing of *true* beauty.
We can’t help what makes us wet…that’s what being queer is all about!
I’m totally with you on the beauty of girl-on-girl being the freedom it inherently offers. Mi’lady and I have talked about this too, about how the great thing about NOT having a penis is that we just have SO MUCH flexibility — and I think that’s mostly because there are way fewer media images/social constructs/prescribed activities for two women (and not because sex with a penis can’t be flexible too).
What I mean is: the penis is seen as THE sexual organ. Pussy is just a receptacle. And the thing the penis DOES is penetrate. (Vagina, anus, mouth…) And because that message just inundates us from every angle, the idea of sex that most people have is Penis In Vagina, in-and-out, in-and-out. Thrust thrust thrust. JIZZ! The end.
So when there’s a penis in the equation, that’s kind of what automatically happens. It’s the prescribed sexual activity. And it takes (I would think) some active creativity to move away from that. Whereas dykes/lesbians/any two women having sex together *don’t have that.* Take the penis out of the equation, and you AUTOMATICALLY have to be creative. And you automatically realize that there are SO MANY OPTIONS. And that is… SO much fun.
Your timing could not be better. I imagined my clit was my cock for the first time a few days ago. It really worked for me! However, I couldn’t bring myself to tell my girlfriend and I was worried about “What It Meant” for a few days. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one.
Yeah I hear you, it can definitely feel disconcerting and even embarrassing at first. That’s kind of where I was coming from too. The first time I did that, I didn’t tell her either… and then the next time I did it, I told her sheepishly afterwards. Luckily she thought it was really hot. (And I think she thought it was especially hot that I told her about it, because it was like I was trusting her with this dirty dirty secret!) And then she realized that the same thing works for her! So then when we talked about it again a few days ago, we were both like, what’s this all about?
And then we were just like, whatever, screw it, it doesn’t matter what it’s about because at least it turns us on!
Another random thing… My favorite kind of porn to watch is straight porn, and it’s because I really identify with the man in it. Like, I identify with the erect cock, and with the awesomeness of having a woman sucking it. :)
Thanks for commenting!
I would have to say that socially,it’s difficult to escape some of the more “hetero” ideas of what it means to be sexually dominant.I don’t believe this kind of imagining makes you any less gay,or any less feminine; two women challenging traditional giving and taking rules together, in the psychological lingo most of us grow up surrounded by? Sounds like a thing all its own to me. a gay thing.
-bi in pa