why I hate my body, or, the joys of PMS

I woke up in the middle of the night because of cramping — oh joy, my period. Took me a few minutes to rouse myself out of my midnight drowsiness to get up, find a tampon, and take some tylenol. (Sometimes I’m GLAD I have really awful cramping… otherwise I might’ve woken up this morning in a puddle of menses! Delightful image, no?)

So when I woke up this morning, I started wondering whether it’s possible I have actual PMS or even PMDD. I know everyone talks about having PMS, but I know there’s a difference between the cultural and social phenomenon that is PMS (I think something like 90% of women claim to have PMS symptoms) and the actual medical condition (which I think something like 20% of women have at times in their lives). So I’m beginning to wonder whether that’s part of what’s going on with me.

I always struggle with co-dependency. But the intensity of my emotional neediness and feelings of depression and anxiety are not constant. And this morning I remembered that the *last* time I felt really depressed recently – despair to the point of wishing I would die — I woke up the next day with my period too. Coincidence? Perhaps. But perhaps not. I just went back and looked through my back-and-forth-at-work emails between me and mi’lady from my last two menstrual cycles, and boy was I a mess! Yikes. Like total meltdown mess.

So, that makes me hopeful that either anti-depressants or birth control can help me. The problem with both is a decreased sex drive, and that won’t be very happy for me or for mi’lady. But I think it will be much happier than continuing in this totally overwhelming and despairing situation of wanting to die when my period comes and being way too needy of mi’lady. It’s just not ok.